Oh, one of THOSE days.

It's one of those days where I have too much on my mind. I'm bothering MYSELF. I might as well have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other for all the arguing I'm doing with myself in my own head. And I just have to hope these are normal, teenage thoughts. I just have to hope I'm not crazy. And that when people read all these things I think about, whether they admit it or not, they are nodding their heads and thinking, "I know exactly how that feels." I don't want sympathy, really. But it's nice to know you're not the only one. That you're not crazy. That everything you're thinking is perfectly okay to think about.

You know what I've been thinking about? Why do we ask how people are? That is a personal question, don't you think? Or, it would be if we answered honestly. But that's all too shocking. When you run into a neighbor at the grocery store and say, "Hi! How are you?" you don't expect to hear the truth, "I'm terrible. I've been crying my eyes out all week, and it took me two hours to contemplate whether or not I should get groceries or sit alone in my apartment and see how long it takes for someone to realize I've starved to death."

While I'm on honesty, I'm a little surprised that's what just came pouring out of me.

I have a point though. Why don't we just say what's really going on? How we really are? Not just, "I'm fine." "I'm good." Lies. Lies. We are liars. We are not always fine and good. No one, is always, fine and good. It's human to have a bad day, to be upset. So why do we all act as if there is something wrong with it? One of my good friends, GOOD FRIENDS, asked how I was doing, and I lied my face off. I told her, "I'm lovely." You know how I really am?

I AM TERRIBLE.

It's been one of those days that started badly. Since the very moment I woke up. And it was just okay for a little while. Then drama plopped down into my world and messed up my whole day. I got over it, moved on, and then some things were said and some things were done that made me re-think all of the decisions I've made in the last two weeks. I don't like that. I don't like regretting things I've done. I don't like second-guessing.

I don't like fighting WITH MYSELF. I should know me better than anyone. I should know what I want. Well, I mean, shouldn't I? What makes me happy, what makes me mad, what I will and won't put up with, my limits. I feel like I don't even know myself at all. "Tell me about yourself." Well, I don't know anything about me. I know the surface. My favorite color, food, book. But I don't know what my life means. I don't know what I'm doing with myself. I don't know where I want to be in 5 years. I can't even say, "not dead." Because at least, there's certainty in that.