According To Lauren

Epiphany.

2011-10-08T02:40:00.002-06:00

I'm that girl in Toms, skinny jeans and a sweater... messy, curly hair... vanilla perfume.
You'll find me in the corner booth at the coffee shop... drinking Chai... scribbling into a notebook.
And well, the confidence is an exaggeration... I blush easily... I get goosebumps.
Call me a giver of second chances... of love... and sympathy.
It's becoming easy to hide my feelings... ignore my mind... yet drown in anxiety.
Everyone needs to be loved... to be heard... to be known.
I am apart of everyone... originality is dead... but at least I know who I am.

I am.

2011-09-20T23:30:00.001-06:00

I am the soft, pink petals of a garden rose.
I wonder why it is I cannot fly.
I hear discouragement from inside myself.
I see the chances I never took.
I want to be untameable-wild and free.

I am the soft, pink petals of a garden rose.
I pretend that I am luxurious and desired.
I am the tattered, autumn sweater with missing buttons.
I feel that perhaps I am too clichè.
I worry that I will soon be forgotten.

I am the soft, pink petals of a garden rose.
I am the red-stained tongue after a popsicle.
I understand that everything has beauty.
I dream of a person who will love me.
I hope, but hope is lost.

I am the soft, pink petals of a garden rose.

Remorse

2011-09-17T21:33:00.002-06:00

Remorse is a sleep-deprived woman who commits meaningless actions. She lives in a desolate soul with no doors, only a small window of hope. Her sunken eyes gaze hopelessly into the abyss of her own lonliness. Remorse is always cold. Her frail body trembles. Her bony hands grip her remaining sanity as she roams empty hallways, and lingers in places once familiar. Her only friend is Sorrow, who unmasks the broken heart that Remorse has tried unbearingly not to feel. Remorse is only concerned with memories, regrets, and what once was. Her smile has been forgotten, and she has been forced into a corner, mocked and made to suffer until Forgiveness comes to her rescue.

I get lonely too.

2011-08-30T21:29:00.003-06:00

All my hopes of today turning out better than yesterday were thrown to the ground, stomped on, and set on fire. Today was easily the worst day I have yet endured. It went something like...

It was generally okay at first. I woke up in a timely fashion, actually looked okay for school, and even had time to stop by work to say hello to my boo. (: (I swear, when I walked out the door and turned around to see that smile on his face... It's like something out of a movie. He has the greatest smile. And the sunlight on his face, yeah that's cheesy but I'M SERIOUS. It was something right out of a movie. Just perfect!) Anyway... I had a little breakfast and got to school right on time. I walked straight to my first class, English. For me, English is a subject I love or hate depending on the teacher. This year, I'm gonna love it. Ms. Jones is thebomb.com. Plus, there are people my grade in that class (Duh, 'English 12') and some good friends, too. I'm generally pretty excited for the rest of the year.

My second class was Ceramics, but after schedule changes will be Accounting 1, because I need half of a math credit to graduate, but I'm too stupid for Algebra 2. Sitting in that Ceramics room for 90 minutes felt like 4 hours. I drew on every disclosure, bell schedule and notebook page I had stuffed in my bag, and it only killed about 40 minutes of my time. I couldn't wait to get out of there and get to lunch. Unfortunately I had to go to 7th period instead.

7th period is Dance class. MY BESTBEST FRIEND EMILY PIPE IS IN THAT CLASS. So that was basically the highlight of my school day right there. She is the most darling girl you'll ever meet in your life. Honest. And she flat out just makes me laugh. That's a very good quality! The other good thing about 7th period is that there is a new teacher this year, and after one day I already love her a million times more than last year's teacher. She's pretty hilarious. Also, this Sophomore named Nola who talked to me and Emily today. She's a dear too.

8th period was Algebra 2. It was a small room packed with sophomores and a few juniors. I was the only senior. Woop. You know how awkward it is when you're in a class where everyone is friends with each other, but you don't know anyone? Yeah, it was one of those. While Mrs. Linford dragged on about the disclosure, I added doodles to some newly aquired papers. Then we took a pre-test to see if we were "qualified for Algebra 2." I'm NOT. There were 33 questions on the test, about 20 of which I guessed 'C' on, which landed me with a whopping 36%. I left class a few minutes before the bell rang to talk to a counselor before they headed to the Library to help with schedule changes.

When I got to the couseling center the door was locked, as usual. Two kids ahead of me walked in as someone walked out, and were pushed right back out by brown-haired beast lady who has been a royal bitch to me all 3 years I've been at Bingham. As she yelled at the 2 other kids and told them the counselors were unavailable until 3, I pushed my way in front before she closed the door. I put on my best smile to try and ease her attitude, and told her my issue: "I just failed the Algebra 2 pre-test and need to transfer out, but my only option of other math classes, I took last year. But, I took half of it as a Financial Lit credit, so would I be able to take it again as a math credit???" My smile didn't work. It probably made her more mad. I bet it did. "That needs to be taken up with a counselor between 3 and 7." I however, worked today, and couldn't stay to wait around in a line just to ask a simple question. So I swore at her (oops) and walked off.

I went into Mr. Titus's office, the new VP from last year. He's not my VP, but I have adopted him because I like him the best. A kid was in there already, but I waited outside while he got in trouble (ha) and then asked Mr. Titus what to do. After explaining everything and coming up with every situation we could, he told me to talk to Mr. Jensen, the Personal Finance teacher. (Math of Personal Finance is the class I already took, but want to take again for a different credit.) So I went to talk to Jens, and very sweetly, he walked me down to the counseling office to talk to the counselor. But brown-haired beast lady magically appeared at the other door (it's like she has me on a radar or something, seriously) and yelled at me, and Jensen. I then basically was told I was shit out of luck, and left the school.

Usually, I get picked up from school by my mom, but she picks me up down the street to avoid the parking lot mania. Today, no blue car, no red truck, no mom, no dad, no ride. I figured she must have gotten tired of waiting and driven up the street to see if she had missed me, like she usually does. I walked up the street to the church where she usually waits when I'm late, and no one. So I walked a little further up to the gas station to use the phone, like I usually do when she's late or doesn't show up. When I asked to use the phone, the same lady I've asked for months told me it was for business purposes only. Great. So I walked all the way back to the school to use the office phone.

I forgot to mention, I'm switching from AT&T to Virgin Mobile, and it takes like 24 hours so switch over and for the phone to activate, so I had no usable phone.

Well I got to the school, and right as I walked through the double doors, a lady shut the door to the main office. "I swear... if the attendance office is closed... I'm shooting someone..." As I turned the corner, I heard a door shut, and I started to panic. As I got up to the door, I peeked through the window and saw Mrs. Brady walking by. I knocked on the window, and watched her give me the fakest apologetic wave ever, and walk away. Well, that's when I started to cry.

I let out a few tears, and then sucked it all up and walked out. I walked as fast as I could without looking like those old ladies you see speed-walking in the mornings. As I crossed the parking lot, my eyes watered again and my chest got tight. My breaths started getting really sharp, and I was breathing in more than out. I tried to slow my breathing, tried holding my breath, and then I started to shake. I walked faster down the street, tears rolling down my face, just trying to BREATHE. The closest place with a phone was Beans & Brews. I calmed down as much as I could, and asked to use the phone. Then I got yelled at by my dad because apparenly I went to the wrong place to call. I should've gone closer to home. Apparently. After avoiding another panic attack, I sat alone in a booth and stared at the ceiling. I ordered a chai tea, and waited for my dad to show up. He finally did, and I went home to grab my phone charger, then off to work for a 2 hour shift.

I love that the people I work with know me so well. The first thing Chris said when I walked in was, "Lauren why are you mad?" I had barely taken 2 steps inside, and he knew. I like that. I like all the people I work with, to be honest. Well I charged my phone and made it through my shift. Finally went home, and messed around on my phone for a while, downloading apps and such. I sent a few texts to my boy, although I expected he'd be asleep since he opened the store that morning. I had calme down a little, and was convincing my mom to get pizza for dinner. She ordered it and we left to pick it up. When we got there she realized she had forgotten her coupon. She asked if I had internet on my phone, but dumb me still trying to figure my phone out said, not unless they have WI-FI. My mom replied with a very prominent, "UGH, YOU'RE GAY!" With that, the last straw of the day, I threw off my seatbelt, told her to leave me alone, got out of the car and walked away.

I walked all the way home, trying to control my breathing and the tight feeling in my chest the entire time, and she didn't even come after me. Then when I got home she expected a hug and for me to talk to her. I had to tell her about my entire day, which means more crying, and then STILL got told it was my fault.

Then my phone just died, and wouldn't turn back on. Yeah it's annoying, but not really a big deal, right? It is when literally everything in your life is fucking itself over. Things I didn't even think could go wrong started going wrong. And I'm just done with it. My mom fixed my phone, only to find out I hadn't had texting on all day. So I sent messages to my boy once again, hoping to God he would answer, because I REALLY needed to talk. No such luck. I got 2 texts and he fell back asleep. It's 10:30, and I still have to shower, write a 400 word essay, and do laundry. But really the only thing on my mind is that I can't handle this anymore. I can't do this on my own anymore. I can't. And I am so God damn lonely. Yeah, I get lonely too.

When I plan things out, they don't pan out.

2011-08-29T22:44:00.003-06:00

This was the original plan I had going on in my head:

One week of summer left, let's make it great, do it up big, do whatever I feel like doing, no matter what the consequences may be. One more week before I have to transform back into the perfect, plastic girl that does what everyone expects of her. One more week. Let's make it great. Let's do it up big.

This is what happened:

I put in over 40 hours of work, spent 2 fantastic days in a row with my boyfriend, and came home to find my life a MESS.

Simply put, my life is sucking it up. I am grounded for 2 weeks, my phone is out of service so I am attempting to switch with no luck, have barely spoken to my boyfriend, been in a fight with him-which I HATE, had to go back to school (I'll tell more about that adventure later), had a loooooong talk with my parents, which means I had a loooooong time of sitting down, crying and getting yelled at, lost my best friend, learned that someone I thought was a new friend is really a backstabber, and a million other things I'm not ready to talk about. So, here's school...

I woke up late, and my hair was still wet from my shower the night before. My hair is ridiculously unmanageable, expecially if it's wet. All summer I let it do it's own thing because I had no one to please. But at school, I care a lot about what I look like. So, I grabbed my broken hairdryer, and attempted to make it presentable in only 15 minutes. I threw on some clothes, grabbed my bag and my make-up, took out the trash and got in the car. This is where it gets really fun. I have really bad anxiety. I mean, REALLY, BAD. It only takes one little thing, like waking up late, to keep me on edge for the rest of the day. I was freaking out all morning, not ready for school (physically or mentally), and when I got in thr car and my seatbelt wouldn't come out of the pocket in the door, I lost it. Here we go, hurray. Panic attack. I love those on the morning of my first day of senior year.

I calmed down enough to put my make-up on on the way to school. Then all of a sudden I was out of the car, walking across the sidewalk, and past the Junior SBO's shouting, "Good Morning!" "Welcome Back!" I didn't even look at them as I rushed through the doors and around the corner into the attendance office to get my schedule. Now, I didn't think this was going to be a big deal, but the bitch in the office ripped me a new one. Apparently it's really hard to type my name in her computer and print out a piece of paper.

Finally, after talking myself down from another panic attack, I walked down the hall to the bathroom in the vocational hall, the one place at school you're almost guaranteed to be alone. I fussed with my hair for a minute before the bell, and then walked to my first class, Interior Design. There are 38 girls and 2 boys in that class. This is good because, I really need some girl friends. This is bad because, I'm bad at making girl friends. The class was pretty laid back. We colored a picture of a living room according to what design style fits us best, (I call mine, Juno-esc.) and watched an episode of Design Star, which I ignored.

Second period, Creative Writing. This is taught my the teacher I hated most last year, and I can give you almost 100% assurance that the feeling is mutual. I walked in and was greeted by an oh-so-welcoming, "Lauren....you're back..?" To which I replied, "You only have to deal with me for a semester this time." I sat down and watches students file in. Then Craig, one of my very best friends popped in and said hi. I basically tackled him in the hallway, it was so good to see a familiar face. Turns out, after getting his schedule figured out, we have that class together now, along with one of my other good friends Terra. I relaxed a little, and that tight feeling in my chest and throught eased. I made some jokes, laughed, started to get used to the idea of school. I got my first homework assignment of the day, and everntually, the bell rang.

I practically ran to my next class, Economics with my all time favorite teacher, Mr. Moritz. He is the most animated teacher I've ever known. He's one of those teachers that you just know loves what he's doing. He's teaching for the students, not himself. Plus, he's funny as hell. Even though understanding econ is going to be a huge task, I have no doubt I'll have fun in there. I'm comfortable there. No anxiousness.

Lunch came, and went. I hadn't eaten anything all day, but didn't feel up to it. I just wanted to get to my last class and get it over with. AP European History, I had originally taken halfway out of interest and halfway for the teacher. The teacher left to teach at Herriman High, so I got stuck with a weirdo. I haven't decided my entire opinion about her just yet, so I'll let you know when I figure it out. But so far, she's a weirdo, and half the class is a bunch of weirdos. And I want to punch that kid who sits behind me right in his face. Seriously dude, SHUT YOUR MOUTH. (People who comment on everything irritate me.) Our teacher asked us who our historical icon was, excluding any pop culture that wasn't HIGHLY influential. I didn't think Jimi Hendrix was gonna cut it, so I struggled to think of U.S. History the year before and anyone that stuck out to me. All I got was an image in my head of some guy shooting down a hill, a clip of a movie we watched. When it was my turn to tell, I told her I absolutely could not remember, so I'd go with Gandhi. I do like him, he's just not my favorite of all time. After class, I hopped into Moritz's room and after a very ass-backwards description of what I had pictured in my head, he told me plain and simple, "General Jeff Chamberlain-Civil War." THAT IS WHY I LOVE HIM. HE KNOWS WTF I'M TALKING ABOUT. Then I hopped back to my AP class and told my teacher my real favorite. "Very specific." was her reply.

After a very long and very exhausting day I left the school building, shook out my hair, which had been re-styled at least 15 times during the day, and walked to the car. My mom flooded my ears with questions, and I spent all the time I had before work trying to sound excited about every little thing. "Don't sound too upset....perk up your voice a little....hey smile!" This is what I tell myself when I talk to my parents. Honestly, I'm not sure it matters. Dad doesn't care, mom doesn't listen.

Work I was excited for-I almost always am. It's my escape. I'm good at it, people like me there, and there's a big freezer to sit in when I feel my anxiety coming on. But since I'm going over 40 hours this week, I didn't have to clock in for an hour after I was scheduled. This gave me time to buy a new phone and attempt to activate it. (Just to tell you how that's going, I bought the phone a little after 4:00 and it's now 11:20. It is still not activated. 'It may take 24-72 hours....' OH GREAT. All I wanted was to talk to my boyfriend. That's it. Cause even though it's cute and it's all I can do right now, the notes I leave him in his locker at work just aren't cutting it. I miss him.

Well after one hour and 53 minutes of very slow work, I clocked out and went to Target for a new pair of earrings. Basically, I love at Target. I know at least half the cashiers on a first-name basis. To give you an idea of how much I really am there, I took 3 separate trips there on Sunday night. "Make sure you come back in 15 minutes." the cashier said. Hm. (:

My family picked me up outside Target, and we went out to dinner, where I ate way too many blueberry muffins, and a mountain of salad. I came home, messed with my phone, and texted my boyfriend online. And now he's asleep, I'm alone, and I'm hating the world.

I told my mom today, "You know, it's starting to feel a lot like maybe God just wants me to kill myself. Nothing in my life could possibly get worse. But the really funny thing is, I'm too full of spite. You want me to kill myself? Bitch, I'll show you who's strong. I'll stay alive just out of spite. So fuck YOU."

She asks me who I am and what's going through my head all the time. I can understand that. I don't know how I got that way of thinking from either of my parents.

Sigh. Maybe I'll write a little more tomorrow while I'm beating my brains out trying to force 400 words about my name onto a piece of paper, and trying to make it flow. Double sigh. Fuck high school, dude.

I'll wear out the words I love you.

2011-08-13T01:22:00.002-06:00

It's hard,
because every moment
I'm not with you,
I don't know what I'm doing.
All I do is think about you.
And I sit here and..
just.
can't.
breathe.
Someone brings you up,
says your name?
I automatically smile.
Being with you,
it makes me happy.
I feel like,
for ONCE in my life
I'm where I'm supposed to be.
I feel like I'm safe.
Like I'm loved.
And like I belong with you.

I just love you.
That's all.

That mustache girl.

2011-08-07T18:51:00.002-06:00

I just feel like talking about mememe.

The next time I need to break up with someone, I'd prefer to serve them divorce papers.
I bet I can freestyle 'Super Bass' by Nicki Minaj faster than anyone you know.
The closest I've ever been to people in my life is at my work.
(What are the chances a place as small as Jamba Juice could have so many people with the exact same interests? Love it.)
I'm officially a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) and had to pass up a perfect job because I still don't have my driver's license.
I can go days without eating simply because I forget to.
I want 5 tattoos and 3 more piercings when my parents no longer have control over me.
Every morning, you can be certain that I will dance around in my underwear.
The only time I sleep through the night is with my boy. <3
I have a day by day countdownleading up to my 18th birthday.
Some of the best friends I've had have been gay, and I 100% support them. FCKH8
I wish I had more girl friends.
There is only one person I can fully be myself with, and that's my little sister. <3
I secretly love high school.

And, I'm trying to grow a mustache, but it's not working out. I might just get a tattoo.

Oh, one of THOSE days.

2011-07-28T02:23:00.004-06:00

It's one of those days where I have too much on my mind. I'm bothering MYSELF. I might as well have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other for all the arguing I'm doing with myself in my own head. And I just have to hope these are normal, teenage thoughts. I just have to hope I'm not crazy. And that when people read all these things I think about, whether they admit it or not, they are nodding their heads and thinking, "I know exactly how that feels." I don't want sympathy, really. But it's nice to know you're not the only one. That you're not crazy. That everything you're thinking is perfectly okay to think about.

You know what I've been thinking about? Why do we ask how people are? That is a personal question, don't you think? Or, it would be if we answered honestly. But that's all too shocking. When you run into a neighbor at the grocery store and say, "Hi! How are you?" you don't expect to hear the truth, "I'm terrible. I've been crying my eyes out all week, and it took me two hours to contemplate whether or not I should get groceries or sit alone in my apartment and see how long it takes for someone to realize I've starved to death."

While I'm on honesty, I'm a little surprised that's what just came pouring out of me.

I have a point though. Why don't we just say what's really going on? How we really are? Not just, "I'm fine." "I'm good." Lies. Lies. We are liars. We are not always fine and good. No one, is always, fine and good. It's human to have a bad day, to be upset. So why do we all act as if there is something wrong with it? One of my good friends, GOOD FRIENDS, asked how I was doing, and I lied my face off. I told her, "I'm lovely." You know how I really am?

I AM TERRIBLE.

It's been one of those days that started badly. Since the very moment I woke up. And it was just okay for a little while. Then drama plopped down into my world and messed up my whole day. I got over it, moved on, and then some things were said and some things were done that made me re-think all of the decisions I've made in the last two weeks. I don't like that. I don't like regretting things I've done. I don't like second-guessing.

I don't like fighting WITH MYSELF. I should know me better than anyone. I should know what I want. Well, I mean, shouldn't I? What makes me happy, what makes me mad, what I will and won't put up with, my limits. I feel like I don't even know myself at all. "Tell me about yourself." Well, I don't know anything about me. I know the surface. My favorite color, food, book. But I don't know what my life means. I don't know what I'm doing with myself. I don't know where I want to be in 5 years. I can't even say, "not dead." Because at least, there's certainty in that.

I can't bring myself to do what you want me to.

2011-07-28T02:08:00.001-06:00

Have you ever been in a spot in your life, where it seems like nothing is going just how you want it to, and if only you had this one thing, you would be happy? But then, you get that thing, and suddenly you realize, things aren't any different? Often times, they're even worse, because your hopes and dreams, you've realized, were just a big lie.

The grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it.

Sigh. Bored. Unhappy. Empty. Hopeless. Lost. Confused. Lonely. Hurt.

I hate all those words, and yet they surround my life like it's all I deserve. And I know that's not true. But worthless. That's how I feel. And I don't like feeling this way.

Maybe I was happier on my own. I keep telling myself that, and never do anything about it. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'm scared to be out in the world on my own. But maybe, maybe that's what I need.

Baby, I'm yours.

2011-07-17T16:31:00.002-06:00

Since the beginning of January, I've had a strict NO BOYFRIEND policy. I was dating here and there, and it was working for me. I was still gettting over a break up-two actually-and just wanted to let things be for a while. It was easier not to look for a relationship. It seemed like more people out there wanted to just chill than be serious, and that was fine with me.

At the end of January, someone new got hired at work. I never really worked with him much, but when I did he was always staring at me. I started making sure I wore the cutest outfits into work, and always smiled at him when I caught him staring at me. We started working together more and more, and he started talking to me. "Soooo do you have a boyfriend?" "No, I'm trying to stay single for a while." He'd flirt with me while I was on break. And was always, always smiling.

One day I did something I NEVER do. Of course, because we work together, I had his number. So one weekend sitting around at home, I decided to talk to him. We talked all day, all night, as much as we could. And I loved it!

Over Spring Break in April we hung out. Had a little party with his friends. Then again the weekend after. And after that second time it was settled. We started dating.

It wasn't anything serious at first, we were both just out to have fun. But slowly we started seeing each other more and more, and getting more serious. As of July 15, that boy is my boyfriend, and he is a fantastic boyfriend. It was a good 6 months of being single, but I'm glad it's over. I've never been so sure of a relationship, so sure that it was really going to last. I've never clicked with someone so well. I love everything about him, and love being with him. I love being his girl. The happiest girl in the world. :)

When I can't sleep.

2011-07-06T01:18:00.016-06:00

Every night you cry yourself to sleep thinking, "Why does this happen to me?"
I wished for things that I don't need. What I chase won't set me free.
Every time I see your face, my heart takes off on a high speed chase.
I don't know what I've done, or if I like what I've begun.
You get your kicks from playing me, and the less you give the more I want.
What is love, what is love? I just wanted to be loved...
I don't know what this is, but you got me good.
All I really want from you is to feel me, as the feeling inside keeps building.
Should've known you'd bring me heartache. Almost lovers always do.

You had me at hello.

2011-07-05T23:55:00.003-06:00

We've all had one-A crush. And there's a reason they call it that. It's that feeling when you like someone, and things just aren't going the way you want. That unrequited love. That slow crushing feeling. Yet for some reason, when you're walking around the planet feeling your heart being crushed, there is still that voice in your head. "One more chance." "Just wait a little longer." "They'll come around." All of that. And most of us listen for too long.

Until

Until.

Something amazing happens. That chance, was the right one. You waited, the perfect amount of time. They, finally, came around.

When that happens, it's the best feeling there is. It's being on top of the world. Feeling like you're invincible. It's waking up smiling. Finding yourself looking at those couples that kiss and cuddle in public, and instead of being disgusted, you just want to be with someone doing exactly that. It's those songs that make you think of the people you care most about. Leaving the house every day knowing it's a brand new day. Knowing you can do anything. And knowing that you have someone who cares about you.

You, have made me the happiest girl in the world. And even though it's nothing exclusive at this very moment, I'm content. More than that, it's perfect. I'm glad I waited. I'm glad I kept trying and pushed through all the tears. There's a million reasons I could have left, but I only needed one to stay.

You had me at hello.

Debt by Sara Teasdale

2011-06-19T20:59:00.001-06:00

What do I owe to you
Who loved me deep and long?
You never gave my spirit wings
Nor gave my heart a song.

But oh, to him I loved,
Who loved me not at all,
I owe the little open gate
That led through heaven’s wall.

Fashion according to...

2011-06-08T14:34:00.004-06:00

Betsey Johnson

Richie Rich

Love these two designers!

Can anybody hear me?

2011-06-08T03:13:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I remember I have a blog. Sometimes I even write in it. Sometimes I need someone to listen, but no one in particular, and preferably an unbiased and completely separate third-person party. Sometimes I don't actually need anyone to say anything back to me. Just be there. My shoulder to cry on, figuratively speaking.

Why is it that when I'm trying so desperately hard to stay single, THAT'S when guys are interested?

And how come the one I decide to fall for doesn't feel the same?

Why do things like this happen? Not just to me, but to anyone?

The only conclusion I've come close to all night is that staying single is the best idea I've ever had, so why not stick with it for a little while? I would make a promise to myself and say, "okay, no serious relationships in my last year of high school" but I would do exactly that. Have a serious relationship. Simply because I do what I'm told not to, even when I tell myself.

And THIS is why I can't be in a relationship. I need to work on myself, and who wants to hear this anyway?

Sigh. "Love."

More than words.

2011-05-20T23:09:00.003-06:00

Sometimes, words are overrated. Actions speak louder than words, a picture is worth a thousand words.

This picture, says 'adorable' exactly one thousand times. :)

I am Lauren.

2011-05-08T21:21:00.002-06:00

Five feet five inches.
Blonde hair, blue eyes.
10,000 watt smile.
I am Lauren.

Seventeen years young.
Can't drive, can't swim.
Eight months to eighteen.
I am Lauren.

INDEPENDENT.
Do you know what that means?
Single, not looking.
I am Lauren.

Let's just face it, there is no such thing as a sexy George.

2011-04-25T17:27:00.006-06:00

Yeah, well mine is. :)

George is a guy I work with. I can't exactly remember how long we've worked together, but we don't get shifts together all that often so it's not entirely my fault. When we are scheduled together, all he does is check me out all day, haha. (Hey boys, WHY do you think that us girls don't notice? You're not sneaky.) So last week we worked together for like 4 hours and started talking. More, he was talking to me, and I tried my best not to blush (but did anyway), and tried to have normal conversation (but really didn't). Lucky enough for me, he got that I'm kind of a nervous wreck when it comes to boys. Most of the time. So he doesn't think I'm a freak. The next day I texted him, and since then we talk almost 24/7. He reminds me very much of an old best friend. Even their rooms are alike. Anyway, we hung out over the weekend and I had a great time. It was one of the best nights I've had in a while. I can't remember that last time I was so excited to see someone again. :) I'm sure there's more talk about him to come. :)

So you want to hear a story? Once upon a time, me and George were at his house. We were running down the stairs, and I had this brilliant idea to turn off the lights. He ran around the corner into his room and tripped over a chair or the table and hit his chin on the space heater. He has a huge gash on his chin now. It cut through all his skin and was bleeding everywhere. But he won't get stitches because he's a dumb boy. The end of the story is that I was afraid of him the rest of the night because I didn't want blood over me. Hahaha. But he's down right adorable, even with his chin split open. :) (You should see it in person though, it's awful!)

"George is not a sexy name. George is like what you name your teddy bear, not the name you wanna scream out during climax."
-Easy A

Dear Jordan

2011-04-19T22:22:00.003-06:00

Dear Jordan,
I'm really loving the handwritten letters! It's been a long time since I have written actual letters back and forth with someone. Too bad I'm lame and reply through my blog, haha. Anyway, I just got your second letter tonight and I really appreciate you thinking about me and looking out for my well being. I can see that you really are going to be a fantastic missionary. You will change a lot of hearts for the better. Thank you so much for being so willing to help me. I appreciate all the time you take to sit down and write me letters. Im going to write you while you're on your mission. I know you can answer any questions I have and I'm so lucky to have a friend so willing to give me advice and talk to me like you. Thank you so much.
Love,
Lauren

Up to this point.

2011-04-17T19:40:00.002-06:00

Once upon a time, I had a blog that I never wrote in. Then Kesler Ottley came along and wouldn't stop bugging me to write in it. This is officially the second time I have revived my blog because of that kid. The moral of this story is that maybe he should write my blog.

I think today is a just keep writing, don't delete anything kind of day. That means I'm going to complain. But hopefully something good will come out before I click 'post.' Here it goes...

There are 7 parts to my life. Work, School, Church, Relationships, Social Life, Family and Me. Currently, I am happy with none of those things. But I'm okay with 3 of them. Work, School and me. The rest... ugh. Who cares right now.

Work. The bad part about work is that I don't work very often, and I get shifts cut a lot. The good part about work is that I'm good at it, and pretty soon I can work morning shifts for summer. (Also, HOPEFULLY, I'll work a lot more.) I've been working Saturday morning shifts for a few weeks now. I love working in the mornings. Technically I'm not supposed to work Saturdays because I need them to do extra clinicals for CNA. But no one cares about that, so I work. Making smoothies from 8-4 is better than dragging myself downtown to a nursing home from 6-12 anyway. 6 am is just way too early on a Saturday. Anyway, yesterday I worked 8-2 and it was an especially important day because the owners were coming in. This means the top of everyone's to-do list is to make the store sparkle, which I am good at. I honestly wish I could be hired as the Jamba Juice Janitor. I would love to clean that place for my whole shift. You can't mess up cleaning. And customers can't annoy you if you're cleaning. That's why it's perfect. Plus, no one tells you, "Great job, you made that smoothie really well!" They tell you, "Great job, the ______ looks amazing!" And who doesn't like to get praise for a job well done? That's why Saturday was a good day at work.

School, part one. Last quarter I had no grade for 3 out of my 4 classes, and that 4th class I had a C. It was a bad quarter. This quarter, I'm making it up and getting a 4.0 to prove that I'm not an idiot, really. What I've realized so far is that it's a lot easier to just do assignments and pay attention in class and actually go to class, even when you really don't want to. In Anatomy & Physiology I can proudly say I actually know what we're talking about in class, I've done every assignment, and I can answer all of Mrs. Jackson's questions right off the bat. In Math, I'm not excited about our class car wash coming up, but I'm still going to do it, and trytrytry to make the best out of it. My goal for that glass is to actually be optimistic about it. Because so far this semester, I've dreaded every day of it. I'm pretty sure tomorrow is an A day, so I'll let you know how that goes. English... I have to be honest, I haven't tried my hardest. We just read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, and yeah Mark Twain wrote it in the way that they talked back then for a reason, but holy crap it drives me crazy. I can listen to people actually speak that way just fine, but to read it is a horrible task for my brain to have to accomplish. So I read the first chapter with the class, and didn't even touch the book until they were done. I failed every quiz we took, and our final test. So, now that we're allowed to pick the book we're going to read, I feel more confident that I'll do my homework. I did our first assignment yesterday after work, and it isn't due 'til Monday. Doing better already, right? History is my favorite class at school. Mr. Moritz is by far the best teacher I have ever had. I have no complaints about his class whatsoever, and I've kept up with all the work. :)

School, part two. CNA is the other half of school. It's 2 hours every day, although it goes by much faster that all my other classes. It's 3 parts, CNA, First Aid, and Medical Terminology. My grades are all A's except for CNA, because I missed two days and still have work to make up, but I'm almost done. Terminology drives me up the walls because I'm good at it, but it's really fast paced. We do a chapter a week. Tests are on Mondays in class, then we're supposed to read the next chapter that day. We're supposed to do the workbook on Tuesday, ask any questions we have about it in class on Wednesday, and study on Thursday for the pre-test which is on Friday. It isn't a lot unless you're trying to work, do other homework, and oh, have a social life. Plus, we have clincals once a week. Let's just say I have permanent bags under my eyes.

Church. Basically, I'm hoping that my family will just go inactive. I don't go to Young Women anymore, and neither does my sister. Sunday school is boring because what I've realized is that it's all redundant. You learn the same things over and over and over. Only, as you get older, they put bigger words in the lessons. And during sacrament meeting I study terminology. The only things that have grabbed my attention in the past few weeks have been from one family that happens to live next door to me. The husband bore his testimony, and told about his grass. He just had it fertilized, you know where they punch all the holes in the ground that leave your lawn looking like every dog in the neighborhood is trying to claim their land? Well, the ground in Daybreak is awful. It's just clay. He said that he couldn't help but think that punching the holes in the hard ground is meant to help the grass grow, like all the 'holes' we have in our hearts are just meant to help us grow, and that's why God gives us struggles. The other was a song that the wife sang and my mom accompanied on the piano. Other than that, I hope we just stop going.

Happy church things that aren't about me: My good friend Jordan just got his mission call to Santa Rosa, California. And my other good friend Spencer is getting his pretty soon. :)

Relationships. I wish it was easier to just quit and be single forever. But it's not. I'm the type of person that will probably marry right out of high school. I just want that to be a good thing. This is the most frustrating part of my life right now, because I'm trying to actually stay single for the first time in years, and so far it isn't really working in my favor. A little part of me wants something to happen that will cause my family to pick up and move suddenly so I can start over and forget everything and everyone that is bothering me right now. But since that isn't likely, I'm at a loss. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing, and try to be single. Because what I've noticed is that when I'm in a relationship I have absolutely no....

SOCIAL LIFE. Hi, I'm the girl that has a lot of friends that are boys. No girl friends. I hate it. And it's frustrating that since I spent most of my time since 5th grade trying to have a boyfriend, I don't even know how to begin being friends with a girl. It's scary. And that's reeeallly sad. Once upon a time in 6th grade, I moved to Daybreak from about 3 miles away in West Jordan. When I moved here I made girl friends. Then one, Camille, moved away to Hawaii, and another, Anne, went to Germany on foreign exchange for a year. I wasn't good enough friends with any of the others for us to keep hanging out. When Anne was gone we didn't talk, even though I tried to talk to her, and now that she's back we still don't talk. She was my best friend since I moved here, but it's like we never even met. She's graduating this year and wants to go out of state for college, so I've given up on trying to talk to her. Once upon another time in 9th grade, I had a really good friend named Terra. But in 10th grade we never saw each other, and this year she's inseparable from her boyfriend, or whatever they're calling their relationship. The only time I hear from her is in History class, when she decides to show up. So basically I've come to the conclusion, I'm not supposed to be friends with girls. The end.

Family. I really don't want to discuss this part of life because it's a little painful right now. If I don't have a bad relationship with them, they're hurting in their own lives. So right now all I have to say is:
Dear Life,
Please stop picking on my mom.
Love, Lauren

Me. Well I just told you all about me didn't I? The only other thing on my mind is that I'm secretly hoping it will keep snowing so I can stay covered up in my hoodies. Yeah, I'm just another girl that thinks she's fat. You didn't really need to know that though.

2011, up to this point, has just been another letdown.

One year ago, today.

2010-11-07T16:19:00.003-07:00

I love you and miss you, "big brother." I have so many good memories of you, and I can't wait to see you again. You are in my heart forever.

~R.I.P. Jacob Tyler Hood~

I couldn't have said it better myself.

2010-10-28T16:41:00.003-06:00

Can you feel your heartbeat racing?
Can you taste the fear in your sweat?
You've done this wrong. It's too far gone.
These sheets tell of regret.
I admit that I'm just a fool for you.
I'm just a fool for you.

Here is where we both go wrong...

Tonight's your last chance to
do exactly what you want to.
And this could be my night.
This is what makes me feel alive,
makes you feel alive.

Here is where we both go wrong...
So tie me up and toss this key,
'cause for now we're living.

In this moment that we both ignore the truth
it's all over, it's all over.

I feel your heart against mine.
So take a breath and close your eyes... eyes...

Your lungs have failed and they've both stopped breathing.
My heart is dead, it's way past beating.
Something has gone terribly wrong .
I'm scared. You're scared. We're scared of this.
I never thought we'd make it out alive.
I never told you, but it's all in your goodbyes.
It's all in your goodbyes.

Well look who's dying now, slit wrists.
Well, sleeping with the girl next door...
I always knew you were such a sucker for that.
It doesn't matter what you say,
you never mattered anyway.
Never mattered anyway...

In this moment that we both ignore the truth,
it's all over, it's all over.

I feel your heart against mine.
So take a breath and close your eyes... eyes...

Your lungs have failed and they've both stopped breathing.
My heart is dead, it's way past beating.
Something has gone terribly wrong.
I'm scared. You're scared. We're scared of this.
I never thought we'd make it out alive.
I never told you, but it's all in your goodbyes.
It's all in your goodbyes.

Don't shake. I hate to see you tremble,
tremble that you've lost your touch. Haven't you?
I'm so addicted.
So addicted...

Your lungs have failed and they've both stopped breathing.
My heart is dead, it's way past beating.
Something has gone terribly wrong.

Your lungs have failed and they've both stopped breathing.
My heart is dead, it's way past beating.
Something has gone terribly wrong.
I'm scared. You're scared. We're scared of this.
I never thought we'd make it out alive.
I never told you, but it's all in your goodbyes.
It's all in your goodbyes.

I never thought we'd make it out alive.
I never thought we'd make it out alive.
I never thought we'd make it out alive.
It's all in your goodbyes...

[A Boy Brushed Red Living In Black & White - Underoath]

A low frequency.

2010-09-29T20:10:00.005-06:00

Tonight I absolutely promised Kesler I would post something. Since I'm not educated enough to have a temper tantrum about my life through words in a blog, I'm going to post an old journal entry that is pretty close to life at this very moment. Enjoy. Or don't.

February 2, 2010
My head is spinning. Spinning, and I can't make it stop. I feel like I'm floating. I'm out of control. I'm almost there but no matter how hard I try, my feet just won't touch the ground. My heart is burning. My eyes are dry. My body is cold and achy. I'm nauseous. There's a shaking starting up in my hands. In my knees. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. I get so, so hot. As soon as I shed a layer to cool off I'm freezing. Emotions sitting in my stomach. Heavy like a rock. Tears welling up and being held back, pinching my throat. Begging, needing. I'm so lost. I don't even know how I got here. All I know is that I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. I'm disappearing. Soon I won't even exist. My soul will only float through a sea of darkness looking for some kind of answer. What is love? Someone please help me find myself. Show me where I belong. Show me love. And let me believe it.

The Waltz.

2010-09-13T16:29:00.003-06:00

Ideas mingling.
Swish it around.
Play a little.

Stop.

One step back.
One step forward.
Hesitating…

Step.

A conversation.
Two and three.
Smiling, not yet overwhelmed.

Rise.

An opportunity.
Inspiration.
Taking the risk.

Fall.

Getting up.
Forgive and forget.
Confidence.

…Step.

Inspiration: Imagination.

2010-09-12T20:25:00.002-06:00

Dear Kesler Ottley,

I am sitting here at my computer in a messy room at my house. I am currently putting off homework, and cleaning my room which I only halfway started yesterday. The reason I am here is because earlier this week we talked about writing. I realized I haven't written a blog in a very long time, and promised to you I could by the end of the week. Depending on the way you look at it, I am either working on this at the last minute, or already late. Either way, it's probably not as great as it could have been. The good news is that I actually am writing again. I've started two poems already! One of which is actually quite clever, but it needs some revision. Basically all I wanted to say was thank you for reminding me that I have a brain to use. Maybe I'll come up with something fantastic for you to read one day.

Your friend and terrible study partner,
Lauren Hood

Wednesday October 15, 2008.

2010-07-26T17:52:00.001-06:00

A group of girls and boys from the neighborhood
make sandwiches and drive to Salt Lake City.
They stop at Salvation Army.
And they help serve food to any and all people who show up.

When we first went up there, I didn't know what to expect.
I was kind of nervous.
But I wanted to be there.
I thought about what it would be like,
but what I thought up wasn't even close to what it was actually like.

When we got out of the car,
I saw people everywhere.
Lying on the sidewalk.
Sitting in the gutter.
And my mind was absolutely blank.
I tried to pay attention to what was going on,
but it just amazed me
that people that look just like you and me were homeless.

We walked through a gate,
and around a corner.
People were standing around smoking.
We walked through a doorway into the building.
And I saw about 30 people sitting at tables.
I thought there would be more.
And I was a little relieved.

We put on plastic aprons and gloves.
And the girls tied their hair back.
We were given our instructions.

Dinner starts at five o'clock.
Twelve and thirteen year-olds must stay behind the counter.
The back two tables are reserved for families,
and those who are disabled and cannot get their own food.
Boys are serving soup.
This half can assist with the back two tables.
The other half can work behind the counter.

Women were told to come up and get their food.
Once they were done,
men were called by table.
I started working with the group on the back two tables.
We walked through the line to get food,
and brought it to each person who needed it.
We stood out of the way for a few minutes.
And then I traded off with one of the boys serving fruit.

Two peach halves per person.
One scoop of chopped pears.
Three or four apricots.

I was surprised at how many people would turn down the peaches.
The pears went the fastest.
And we had apricots left over.
I don't understand the situation.
But I was expecting they'd take everything they could get.

Next to me were the boys serving soup.
And the twelve and thirteen year-old girls serving sandwiches.
To me, it was a mistake bringing them.
They didn't quite get it.
They turned down anyone asking for two sandwiches.
Until they were told several times it was okay.
And near the end when one man had about eight sandwiches,
they made fun of him for being able to "eat that much."
When what they don't realize is that
he probably hadn't eaten for a few days.
Or he had a family to feed.

It was amazing to me how many of the people there looked like you and me.
I would never have guessed some of them were actually homeless.
And they're not ashamed of it.
Right before we walked through the gate,
me and Abby saw a
'no tresspassing, loitering... etc.' sign.
And on it someone wrote,
"It's not against the law to be homeless,
and gather in a time of peace and love."

They all have hearts,
and personalities,
and spirits.
And it's not necessarily their fault they have no home.
They all thanked us.
Each and every one of us.
And they all had smiles on their faces.

Some of them were so funny,
I had to force myself to be able to keep serving them,
and not start crying
and falling on the floor laughing
from how funny they were.
They will talk to you about everyday things.
And you won't even notice that there is any difference between you.

The worst part of this,
was when I saw the little girl.
I had been talking to one of the men getting fruit,
and then looked over and saw her.

Very ordinary looking.
I could have seen her that same day
having a play-date with my brother.
She was sad-looking though.
And with her own brother.
She looked maybe about seven.
And her brother, probably ten.
They asked for three sandwiches
to take home to their baby brother.

I almost cried.
All over the apricots.
We hadn't seen any children all day.
Because it was just supposed to be the adults.
And I couldn't handle it.
It would've been sad enough for a mother to ask for it,
but two kids...?
They're just kids.
I can't even imagine it.
Going without Thanksgiving dinner.
Or Christmas even.
It really makes you think.
Doesn't it?

This experience was like nothing I've ever experienced.
And it makes me have almost no tolerance
for those people out there
who are selfish, arrogant and judgmental.
Who think they are better than that.
Who don't really know what it's like for those people there.
And who don't care.
Who don't realize how much they've got.

Don't be one of those people.

If it wasn't for all the people I met at Salvation Army,
who can forgive and forget.
And not blame anyone.
And simply love with all their hearts,
I wouldn't have any tolerance.
But it's because of them that I do.

It's funny the things you learn.
Because of one person.
One thing.
One conversation.
Or just a word.

It's funny.

So long. Farewell. Auf Wiesersehen. Adieu.

2010-06-15T13:09:00.003-06:00

The end of the school year is always packed full of goodbyes. I hate goodbyes. The, let's hang out this summer's that never happen. The, hopefully we'll see each other again soon's that are just words of sad people clinging onto hope. The plans that are made to break. The long hugs, talk of old memories, sometimes crying. Simply the word goodbye. I hate it.

Last night I had the not so wonderful pleasure of saying goodbye to Sebastian, a foreign exchange student from Germany staying with my friend Jordan over the last semester of school. You never realize how horrible a goodbye is going to be until you're in the moment. It hits you that you may never see that person again, and suddenly you're wishing you could go back in time to spend more time together; Create more memories. You say you'll visit. You say you'll never forget them! You make plans that won't be fulfilled. And it's sad.

After just reading my friend Anne's blog, which was a letter to herself ten months ago, I realized just like she told herself that she can keep in touch, I can too. It's my goal to do that. There are some people in your life that are there for a reason. Some whose purpose is to float on by and leave a mark on your heart. Some people are there to help you change and to help you grow. It would be like smacking God in the face to let these people go on and never speak to them again.

As of today I am going to do things exactly as I plan. Maybe goodbyes will stop being so hard. See you later will mean see you later. Goodbye will not be said alone, but with an added 'for now' afterwards. There will be no more crying, because all the things said will lack the vibe of 'permanency.'

To the people who have floated by and left marks on my heart:
See you later, goodbye for now. Thank you for teaching me things, and thank you for changing my life. Our memories will last a lifetime, and there are many more to be made. I can't wait to see you again.

Holding it in.

2010-05-30T19:33:00.003-06:00

This is what happens when you've got a secret. You're so scared to say anything that you even neglect your own blog for a month. Well, anyway. On a happier note...

...School ends in three days? That's about all I've got. My hopes of ending the year with a 'bang!' and a "Hey world, look at me!" have been lost. My drama-free streak has ended and I'm caught up in a huge web that I'm desperately trying to free myself of. Who knew high school could get so complicated? I'm only sixteen. Everything should be fun and games and innocence at this point. As my mom says, I'm still a kid. I have my whole life to be serious, so why start early?

I'm hoping to push through these last few days with everything I've got in me, and the maybe all the drama will be left to roam the empty hallways until students fill them up again in September. I love being involved but things just get so complicated. Oh dear.

Well, as much as I would LOVE to keep writing, I have nothing good or fun to say. At the end of the week I'll put something good in here.

Um. Bye.

Especially when it comes to God.

2010-04-17T18:15:00.002-06:00

The other day I had a very long and very painful discussion about my religion with my mom. The main topic was repentance and forgiveness which, by the way, I still don't fully understand. We were talking in the car on the way to the DMV, (interesting, eh?) and the whole time we talked I basically just wanted to scream something out at her, but never got up the courage. So, well, here it is.

Don't you think people who aren't brought up in the LDS church or know nothing about it while on earth have their lives so much easier?

I'll elaborate. Supposedly, (I say this because you never really know for certain,) if you haven't had the gospel in your life or haven't accepted it when you die, you go to paradise and what not, assuming you're a good person, where you choose whether or not to accept the gospel, and wait until someone down on earth is baptized for you. So in essence, while everyone down on earth struggles trying to figure out if it's all even true, you who didn't have to gospel get to die and find out if it's true before needing to choose what you believe. Also, you get to do pretty much whatever you feel like because there are no standards set for you to follow.

At the same time, whose faith will be stronger? Down here, you have three kinds of people:
1. People who accept the gospel without question.
2. People who accept the gospel after questioning it.
3. People who don't accept it at all.

My question, is who believes it more? The person who never has a doubt or struggle with religion ever? The person who has to fight through everything and really educates themselves about religion? Or the person who dies and finds out what's really true before believing?

Oh, it's so confusing. There's very little black and white. It's all just shades of gray.

Mission Impossible.

2010-04-04T21:37:00.004-06:00

Today I decided that I want to know what love is. I want to know what it's all about. My generation completely overuses the phrase "I love you" and wastes it on any and every good feeling. I'm sick of it, and I'm determined to figure out when the strong feelings are simply that, and when they become love. I'm on a mission to find out the answers to every question I have about love, and to find out if what I think about it is true.

The one simple thing I believe about love is that when you love someone, there are no questions. You don't lay in bed at night wondering if you really do love them. You know with all your heart that you do love them and would never doubt it for a second. I believe love is one of those things that people take much too lightly and just don't understand. If I've learned anything watching family and other couples around me, it's that love is unconditional. There are no comparisons. It's honest. It might hurt sometimes but in the end it comes back in full.

I believe love is like nothing you can imagine or dream of, and it can't be depicted in paintings, songs, etc. by someone who hasn't felt it. I believe love is something that stays with you forever. You don't fall out of it. It's always there to lift you up or kick you when you're down, depending on your "glass half-full/half-empty" perspective. One question I have about love is if it's truly possible to love more than one person. (In that mushy, romantic, want to marry you kind of way.) I'll find out. No matter how long it takes, I'll find all of this out.

I had a nice long conversation with someone special to me the other night. We were talking about love, and he said a few things that really stuck with me. It's nice when people let you in. They surprise you in so many ways.

"Love. Now that's a word that scares me."
"Why?"
"Because it's so strong..."

We went on and talked about how in order to love someone you have to give them your full self, and that's scary because if by chance they don't love you too, you get completely screwed over. It's scary to let yourself fall for someone; To get attached and let there be risk of getting hurt.

"For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love."

This happens to be one quote that I don't agree with. I don't believe love fades or can be lost. Neither do I believe you can find love in one night, or hold it for just that long. Unrequited love, that's another story. I think it's possible to feel unrequited love, but I don't think it's true. Love is something that needs mutual feelings. Whether they are shown and realized or not, they are there.

I asked some people to tell their honest thoughts, and give me a definition of love:

"Almost anything but lust can be love. For example there are two kinds of girls to me. Beautiful girls and just hot girls."

"A lie?"

"Interdependence!"

"Something that only exists to a fool who thinks it's possible."

"There are no definitions for love. Love is a personal feeling that is indescribable! No one can put this deep connection into proper words. No one really knows what love is until they're in it."

"I believe love is seeing a persons faults and accepting them in spite of it, being able to sit quietly with nothing to say without it being awkward, and being able to do things you wouldn't normally do if only to see that person smile or be happy, or putting someones own happiness before yours."

"Love is when you cant stand to be away from your boyfriend or girlfriend. It's when all u think about is them and the very thought of you two apart would tear you apart because you believe there is no life without them. Believe me when you're in love, you'll know."

"Love is when even a persons flaws become beautiful. Love is when you can not only tell a person the truth but you can also tell them a lie, knowing they can see the truth and understand why you can't say it. Love is when no candy can taste as sweet as the persons lips, no song can sound as sweet as there breathing, and no hand can fit so perfectly in yours. Love is when you can ask someone to do you a big favor and they never ask what it is or why.. All they say is of course. Love is when everything around you is blanketed in a beautiful haze. Love is only good when returned though. Love is purely this: Complicated and different for everyone who holds it."

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Love isn't about loving someone or being with someone that is just lust or selfishness. Love is giving everything to another without wanting any return."

Back to unrequited love, I think it's possible to love someone before they love you back. For instance, falling in love. It's not always going to happen at the same time. And I think if you really love someone, you are willing to risk it all to tell them how you feel, because it's such a strong emotion that you simply can't keep it hidden and keep it to yourself. I think when you love someone you are patient with them. You wait for them to feel the same. No hang-ups. No problems or worries. Love comes with no strings attached. Love, is a many splendored thing. And I have much to learn.

Blog?

2010-03-29T23:11:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I thought to myself, "Oh yeah. I have a blog."

This is my sad attempt to make up for all the writing I haven't done.

I discovered it isn't funny without the picture.

Will you go to prom with me?

2010-03-08T18:31:00.003-07:00

Today I realized that it's been a whole month since I've posted anything. Wanna know why? All I've got to write about are stressful situations that need no remembrance. I once promised Seth that I'd write something about him. Today is not that day.

How about an update..? Nothing is happening! My life has become extremely routine and it is KILLING ME. I'm not one for big change, but I can't stick to one thing all the time either. I'd welcome a big change right about now. I have three "what ifs" right now. Germany. Boston. and JATC.

So firstly, Germany. I got through the application process for CBYX. (Congress-Bundestag Youth Exchange) For those of you that don't know, that's a scholarship program that allows me to go to school in Germany next year. There's different stages of acceptance, and the application is numero uno. Er, nummer eins. Anyway, after the application you go through a phone interview. I did that last Tuesday, and find out near the end of the month if I got through it. I wasn't treating this as a reality until I found out I made it to the interview stage. And I was so shocked that I didn't tell anyone about it for two days. After the shock wore off, I got excited. I'm really, REALLY excited.

Then there's Boston. I was nominated to represent Bingham at the National Youth Leadership Forum on Medicine. It's ten days in the summer (2010) in my choice of one of eight cities. I picked Boston out of: Boston, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Washington D.C., Chicago, Atlanta and Houston. "...During 10 days of firsthand experiences, you will be welcomed at the nation's most highly-regarded and technologically-advanced medical institutions and universities. You will examine state-of-the-art diagnostic tools and future medical specialties in detail and study and learn from some of our nation’s most distinguished medical leaders and research pioneers — visionaries and practitioners whose dedication and ability have brought them to the top of their profession…" That's a definitely, I'm going no matter what and I'll walk if I have to, opportunity.

Thirdly there's JATC. (Jordan Applied Technology Center) Since I am planning on getting into the medical field for my career, I applied for the CNA program for next year. However, you have to test into it, and I have yet to find out if I passed. I obviously can't get my CNA if I'm in Germany, so that's a huge problem. I'm not sure what to push for the most because everything I want is so iffy. Germany is a really great chance though and I would love love love to go. Despite what some cranky teachers think is best for me. They can shove it where the sun don't shine. Ahem.

Well, first thing's first... I want my permit. Oh yes. That's right. I'm sixteen and a quarter and I don't have my PERMIT. All because I didn't have a social security card. Which I finally ordered today and should be here in 7-10 days. Meaning, I might have my permit by the end of the month. Let's all hope and pray. I have officially been bugging my parents about it for a year. Good job guys. Without my SS card I can't even get a job. So not only can I not drive, I'm broke. I have a whole six dollars to my name and It's being wasted on attendance school.

Speaking of which, I've done 2 of my 21 sessions. My mom is going to have a nice little talk with Mr. Anderson about all of those sessions. I'm gonna say that at least 15 of them are excused, probably more, but he won't waive them. That leaves me with $36 of debt with my parents, no social life, and pretty soon no homework…! I have the feeling I'm gonna run out of things to do pretty soon. And that's gonna make attendance school a whole lot more boring and go by a hell of a lot slower. Somebody should really think about changing out attendance policy at Bingham. It hates me.

Well, Im done ranting, I promise to write a happy blog this week to make up for this crap one. In the mean time, I'm gonna go bury my head in a hole and let things work themselves out.

Also, I had a point to the title of this blog and no longer wish to elaborate. Sorry.

It's Friday I'm in love.

2010-02-09T16:24:00.002-07:00

Isn't everything just WONDERFUL? I feel on top of the world. I can do anything, anything! Don't you just love when you feel good inside? And everything is going great? And you're just flat out happy? I mean sure you do. Who wouldn't? But when you have this happiness, do you ever take a minute to sit back and think about it? Evaluate it? And really appreciate it? I recommend you do. I've been doing that a lot lately, and it just leaves you with a better sense of yourself. I feel so content and at peace with the world. The only thing that has made me the least bit irritated lately was last night when I was starving and couldn't have food. (Oh and a little incident with Craig in the library yesterday...) But duh, that's only human. By the way, food is delicious. Eat some sometime. There's nothing better than the first bite of food after a whole day of not eating or drinking anything. I don't really recommend THAT, but it's fantastic.

Anyway, on to more happiness! And less questions while I'm at it...

I LOVE BEING ABLE TO DATE. IT IS FANNNNTASSSTICCC. I used to go back and forth between being excited about it and thinking it was stupid, but I for sure love it. It's so much fun. Two weekends ago I went out with Matt and we saw the Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus. It was a really trippy movie. I suggest you see it. Heath Ledger did a great job. And well, I had a fun night. This last weekend was my brother's birthday so we went to dinner at Joe's Crab Shack, which I do not recommend, unless you get crab. You're probably thinking, "Duh, of course I would get crab?" But I didn't, and it was a mistake. Also, the lemonade smells like pee. The rest of my Friday night (spent with Matt) was a blast though. That kid is so awesome. He shares more than half of my personality traits. What a good change. It's nice to be around someone that I can connect with so easily. They say opposites attract, but that's why men and women go together. That's all the opposite I need. I remember right before he picked me up to go see that movie, I was getting nervous that we wouldn't have anything to talk about. But ohhh nooo. We talked up a storm. He finishes my sentences too. Which no one other than my mom and my sister can do. It puts a great big smile on my face!

Grandma and Larry are in town for the weekend. I absolutely love having them here. It brightens up my entire day (regardless of how bright it was to begin with) when I hear them all giggly and lovey-dovey. It's ADORABLE. You want to know what love is? Take one look at my grandparents. They are so head over heels crazy about each other. And not that high school kind of crazy about each other. It's real, anyone can see it. I'm so happy my grandma could find someone. Larry, or Lawrence J as she prefers to call him, is a great guy. He makes a great grandpa. The two of them took Megan and I to Inn-N-Out last night. It was a jolly ol' time. Just driving in the car with them is fun. They never argue, EVER, but you know, that typical 'old couple' relationship? For instance, grandma is driving and she is trying to get something out of her purse with one hand. Larry says. "Jacqui just stop." And she stops and says, "Thank you dear." Ha. It's so adorable. I wish I could spend more time around them. Their happiness is incredibly contagious.

I think happiness in general is contagious, you know? When someone passing by smiles at you, you can't help but smile back! (For this reason, I smile at everyone, everywhere I go. I'm hoping to cheer up the world one person at a time.) The only time someone has smiled at me and I haven't smiled back was if I was extremely pissed off. But then the guilt hits. And I make sure I start smiling at everyone. Just one smile can change someone's entire day! The song 'What The World Needs Now Is Love' just began playing in my head. It's so true. Love makes the world go 'round. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love. All that jazz. It may be just because Valentine's Day is coming up, and stores are flooded with candy hearts and giant teddy bears and lots and lots of pink, but I'm feeling the love. It's like someone just gave my little heart a big, warm hug. And excuse me for all the mush, but if you know the feeling, you know how great it is. Not just love but happiness in general. I love being happy. People ask me all the time, "What are you smiling about?" and "What's so funny?" but all I can tell them is that I love to smile, I love to laugh, and I LOVE being happy. Don't you??

"I don't care if Monday's blue.
Tuesday's gray and Wednesday too.
Thursday I don't care about you.
It's Friday, I'm in love."

Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me.

2010-01-29T19:50:00.002-07:00

So since I promised I would write a happy blog, here it is in all it's fantastic glory. This is completely spur of the moment. I was just sitting, thinking how happy I am, and it hit me. I should write about this! It's going to be a short, I won't lie. But sincerely happy. And that's the way uh-huh uh-huh I like it. Uh-huh. Uh huh.

I'll start with today and roll it backwards. Today, I actually saw my mom for more than five minutes!! She got me out of school early (since practically the whole school got out anyway, for state drill) and instead of taking me home to clean like I said I would, she took me to work. It was surprisingly fun. I met a lot of her co-workers, and some people in her class. They're actually pretty funny. I could spend some time there every once in a while. Well then I came home and messed around for pshhh three hours? Dancing truly heals the soul. Not that my soul needed healing, but hey. And well, in half an hour Matt gets off work and we're gonna see a movie. I'm a lot more excited then most people would be. I haven't seen a movie with friends in a long time.

Yesterday, I had plans to go to the gym with Ky and Ethan. But that didn't really work out. Because I fell asleep and didn't go. And Ethan fell asleep and didn't go. We suck. But the nap was terrific. I love nap time. I think it should be part of school. High schoolers need it tons more than preschoolers. Anyway, school yesterday was amazing. We had an assembly, then in woods I figured out what I'm making!!! (FREAKING FINALLY.) Then went to Inn-N-Out with Kyle, Ethan, Ky and Leonard. And then I skipped health to go to Welding with Ky and Ethan. Saw Amanda, Greg, and the baby. De-stressified Seth. And went to math. It was a great day.

Wednesday started fantastically but ended horribly! I went straight to Devin's after school and hung out for a few hours, then went to the open house at the tech center at SLCC. I found out that I can't do the surgical technician classes until my senior year, which totally BLOWS. But I'm gonna take a semester long CNA class next year. And that makes me happy. After the tech center I went to our laurel activity. We went to Marble Slab Creamery, which I honestly hate. All their ice cream is too sweet. But hey. It was fun. Except for this. So we're all sitting around enjoying ourselves and being the blondie I am, I drop my phone and it shatters all over the floor. So I get down and pick it up, and as I'm getting back in my chair and hit my kneecap on Lauren Jensen's chair. You know when you hit your funny bone? Imagine that pain shooting up from your knee to your hip. AGONIZING. But being the retard I am, I just bite my lip and try to suck it up. Guess what? BAD idea. I start to get really dizzy and sick to my stomach, and then everything gets really blurry. Everything went white for about 30 seconds, and then it was all blurry and light. I could hear for about 5 minutes straight. I didn't know what to do so I just sat there. Then my face flushed and I got cold sweats. I started getting my hearing back, and told Lauren I was going outside. Once I got there, I blacked out for a minute and she came out to talk to me. She ended up taking me home, and I sat in the bath for an hour trying to feel better. Best young women activity EVER.

Tuesday I must say, was pretty lame. I slept all day. Me and my naps. I need to get more sleep.

I spent all of Monday with Devin. And that was quite interesting. I don't have too much to say about it. But I love that kid. He makes me laugh. Then again, EVERYONE makes me laugh.

Well, I guess maybe I should have started with Monday and worked my way up to today. This would have been happier I think. Regardless, I'm happy right now, in this moment. Life feels good. I've got everything I need. Notice I did not say want. And I'm okay with that. I had a talk with my mom today about all the freaking rich kids at my school. And I'm not jealous of them one bit. Because they get everything handed to them. And I have to work for it. So who wins in the end? Me of course.

Hopefully my days will keep getting better and better. And my blog entries will be filled with joy. I think I'm gonna go run around or something before I leave to hang out with Matt. I have so much energy. I am so happy. I love it.

You can't always get what you want?

2010-01-22T18:38:00.002-07:00

"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you might find, you get what you need."

Lovely Rolling Stones song...

I hate it.

You know, it seems every time I have something really amazing going on in my life I'm too happy and busy to even think about blogging. So I don't. And all it does is make it look like I'm really depressed and ungrateful and dramatic. Which I'm NOT! So, in order to prove myself, I'll tell you a happy little story. Ish. Okay, it's actually a crap story. But before it went to crap I was, indeed, extremely happy.

Once upon a time, I liked this boy. Well, still like. Anyway. I like this boy. Who is actually kind of a jerk. But in that brotherly, I'm teasing you because I love you, kind of way. If you get what I mean. Well, without being too specific, I had a fantastic idea, and this other girl did it instead. GRR. So then, I used the idea on another boy who is AMAZING. But THEN! He starts going out with that same girl. And as much as it sounds like it, it's not her fault. It's not anyone's fault, persay. I just have horrible timing, and worse luck. And now things are slightly awkward. A little bit sad. And really messed up.

Have you ever really missed someone, and not a family member, but say someone you like. And you're going absolutely insane. But you know they don't even think about you. WELL THAT SUCKS. IT'S A SUCKY FEELING.

And I'm so mad that today is Friday, and this is how I'm starting my weekend. Now that I think of it, Monday and Tuesday were also pretty bad days. And on Wednesday and Thursday I was so nervous and worried that I made myself awkward. EMBARRASSING.

I was telling my sister today how badly I want to get in a fight. And I'm not generally a fight person. But I just really want to hit someone. Get out my anger. And then get hit back, so I can cry. Weird right? Well I want all this yucky emotion out of me. It's a huge downward spiral. And what really sucks is that the one person I want to talk to so, so, so much, is grounded. Perfect timing. I told you I had that. Pff.

Now, the reason I used that Rolling Stones song is because I am used to getting what I want. I can be really persuasive. But it's not a bad thing. I promise! It's just not so great a thing the one time when I know EXACTLY what I want, and want it SO badly, but have no idea how to get it, because nothing I've done has worked. Anyone who knows what FML stands for, please scream it at the top of your lungs for me.

I'm off on an adventure with Devin and AJ tonight. Sooooo glad they're getting me out of here before I explode! I will make next week better, and I WILL post a happy blog. It's on my to do list.

"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you might find, you get what you need." So, what is it that I need then? Because the thing I think I need is what I'm not getting! Man oh man. The lovely dovely roller coaster of life.

I'm Switzerland

2010-01-05T19:42:00.003-07:00

I've officially decided to just flat out, BE MYSELF. No more holding back. People don't have to like it. I don't care if they don't. At least I'm showing them who I really am. It's better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not, right?

I'm done with all the high school drama. I've got senioritis. And I'm a sophomore. Screw high school, you know? It's just a stepping stone on my way to a real life. I want to move on already. Get this next two and a half years over with. I'm done with all the fighting and immaturity. I don't want to know about anybody's business. I don't want anybody in mine without a written invitation, signed and dated by me.

I'm Switzerland. Neutral. Do what you want. I'll do what I want. And let's not gossip along the way.

What's with those people that desperately need to know about every detail of everyone's lives? I don't understand. What does that do for them? What's the point? Is there a particular reason that you think it's so important? Later on in life when everyone else is impressing you with their vast knowledge of the world, all you'll be able to say is, "Well remember Amanda from tenth grade? She had the same boyfriend four different times." Holy cow. I'm in awe. Really. Do you have a doctorate degree in stupid?

There are no more slots open for stupid people in my life. All filled. Sorry. And especially none for people who thrive on gossip. I know we all do it. But there's more to life than that! Get over yourself.

PS-My New Year resolution is to stop taking crap and stand up for myself, so I don't really mean to be offending anyone here. I'm just saying. Some of you may need to hear it..? Cough cough.

I'm Switzerland. Neutral. But mess with me and you're completely screwed. Army of 600,000 in less than an hour? Yeah, something like that.

I've realized that I have great friends. I also have some not so great friends. But I'm grateful, for the most part. Normally I don't let myself get too close to people, but there are some rare cases in which I do, and I find a wonderful person to open up to. There are always people here for me, willing to help. And I appreciate it. Especially at four o'clock in the morning when I can't sleep because the dumb boy that broke my heart is on my mind. Times that like, when I really need someone to vent to, or maybe cry to, I've got people. Good people. I'm incredibly grateful for that.

And speaking of dumb boys... I'm done with them too! I've only technically been able to date for one month, and already I'm over it. I'm keeping my heart to myself thank you. It belongs to me. It's mine. So just go away, hm? It's not fair to play games with someone's feelings. Just not. There's no room for people that do that in my life. Not even one slot. In fact, I think I have negative slots for that sort of thing.

Have I said how done I am? Let's name some more things I'm finished with, shall we? Getting hurt. Being lied to. Being stood up. Treated as inferior when I'm not. (It's one thing if I actually am.) Getting walked all over. Being forced to do things. Being treated as an object rather than an actual human being. I'm done with all the drama, fighting and gossip. The arrogance. The stupidity. The jealousy. The list goes on. I'm done with it all. I know what I'm worth. I know I've got potential. And it's about time I show it off and get treated how I deserve to be.

So, here's to being myself. Here's to not taking anymore crap. Here's to being nice, but speaking up a whole lot more. Here's to no more drama. No more gossip. Here's to great friends. Boys that don't suck. Being carefree. And being happy.

Here's to Switzerland.

Because I want you

2009-12-26T19:58:00.005-07:00

I have so much to say.
So many thoughts just jumbled up in my head.
Things that need to be let out.
Set free and spoken.
Put out there for people to hear.
So things can change.
Or so I can have some hope that they will.
I just don't know how to let go.
Don't know how to say it.
There are no words or explanations.
More of feelings.
Can you honestly speak a feeling?
How true are words?
How straightforward,
how honest and loyal?
How meaningful is meaning?
Can you feel the feelings?
What is this anymore?
Up, down, backwards,
sideways, circle, stop.
When can dreams turn into reality?
And why is reality a dream?
Wanting what we can't have.
Believing it will be there one day.
Believing in people who'll turn away.
Broken promises.
Watered down dreams.
Procrastinations.
Regrets.
Forgetting.
Remembering.
Living.
Wanting it to end.
Back and forth.
Mind changing events.
What is wrong?
What is right?
What is TRUTH?
Momentary happiness.
Several times.
Might be worth it in the long run.
Who knows anyway?
It's all just one big game.
And we all die in the end.
What if I don't want it to be about the ride?
And what if I want now?
2,000 miles away.
I can't even hear you.
But you just mean so much.
And yet I'm happy to walk away.
I'll figure it out one day far away.
Until then...
Because this is now.
And what is happiness?
What is real life?
What really exists?
How much of this is talk?
We're all worth it.
And everyone has their price.
A price to be paid.
Life and death.
And forever.

Procrastinators: The leaders of tomorrow

2009-12-21T17:34:00.005-07:00

December, for me, equals busy, busy, and busy. Did I mention busy? Even being on vacation right now, I hardly have the time to put in another blog. But, here we go.

Number one. I LOVE being single. So great. So new. So... de-stressing. I can flirt with whoever I want! lol And it's nothing but innocent, meaning it's nothing but AWESOME. And it's post 16th birthday, so I can actually technically date. That's good too.

Number two. 16th birthday! Spent a long freaking time working on getting everything right. It wasn't perfect, but it was fun. About half the people I invited couldn't come... but they suck! Regardless, I had a great time. So they definitely missed out. It was semi-formal black and white dress. I wore a maroon dress, however. Just to you know, stand out. It was pretty dandy. I realized however that I don't make friends with girls very well. Only two came. TWO. One two. And one left early. So I might have a problem. But who cares? Boys are awesome!

Number three. CBYX. Oh. My. Crap. So freaking fhrieybvueytbierqvgiurebqueuregaugarug. Aah! Had to get that out. Frau Christopher pretty much gave me my recommendation letter two days before I needed to submit my application. Meaning, it had to get all the way to California from Utah, into an office, and physically into someone's hands so it could be uploaded and processed. Yeah. That happened. There is good news, however. Since my application was done on the 18th, when I needed to submit it I can still wait to submit it after my recommendation is filed. Woo?

Number four. I love boys that act like gentlemen. It's the best thing in the world. And I just so happen to be talking about James West. Aaah. He's the very definition of adorable! He came to my party in a tux. It made my whole night. Oh oh, and then he showed up the next day to help me clean! Who does that?! It was amazing. I hung out with him that whole day. He went to driver's ed with me. And made me crash into three cones... but hey. It was fun. And in the end he helped me get my parallel parking down. Then he kept me warm while we stood in the freezing cold for an hour. And he carried me around too. And opened and closed doors for me. Gosh dang it. I love that kid.

Number five. Christmas break in Vermont. We left the night after my party. Spent the next morning in JFK. And got to Vermont that night. Today is our first whole day here. Didn't do much except eat, sleep, and text every guy I know. I take all the advantages I can get. We spent today in the house. But yesterday we went to Al's French Fries. The original site of my first highlighting job. AKA Little kid sister squirting vinegar in my already blonde hair, bleaching it a bit more. We have some good memories. Tomorrow me and mom are going Christmas shopping. Christmas is...when? Friday? HA. Well whatever. At least I'm doing it. I just need a few presents for family. Friends don't get presents this year. I'm a little bit.... broke. Oh well. They can have my love.

Anyway, things are going great. I'm actually upbeat and happy and I feel like I have a brand new life. It's a happy one. I'm SMILING!!!

If you float away...

2009-12-14T21:22:00.002-07:00

Haven't been posting. I've been pretty busy. And pretty upset. I decided, sometimes sixteen ain't so sweet. Starting with my birthday, it's been going downhill.

December 9: I fall down the stairs. Land on glass. HARD.

December 10: Fashion show. Actually really good except that someone didn't show up whom I'd wanted to be there...

December 11: Poohy night at dinner. Major jealousy going on. I just don't like her. I'm nervous.

December 12: Feel like crap. Lazy. Tired. Unproductive. Getting hit on by 12 year-olds. Woo. :| Still jealous. Nervous. Scared.

December 13: Had to walk to church in the snow, and ended up missing mom's piano solo. Had peas for dinner.

December 14: Awkward conversations at lunch. Armless in German. (That was fun, just embarrassing.) Feelings of defeat. Walked home from school in the snow. Almost got hit by a car. Realized I probably won't make it to Germany. Everybody hates me.

The worst part, over the course of this week I've been going through a gradual break up. Pretty much my idea. But it wasn't supposed to happen like this. And now I don't know what to do. I'm lost.

My life seems to be eventful, but not in the way I want. I'm so over everything that's going on. I hate being let down and feeling disappointment. I want to be a missionary. Starting now. Ending when I die. I want all my classes to be seminary. I want to live in the church. I'm sick of everything else. Sick of it. The only time I feel good anymore is in church or seminary. And yes, that's wonderful, but I want to be happy in the rest of my life too.

Hate to be such a downer. But I don't know who's gonna understand this. I don't have any idea. I tell myself I would talk to mom if she was here. But I'm just lying to myself. It won't help. Because she was right. I knew it. And I didn't do anything to prevent this. It's so hard to admit that you're at fault.

Sweet sixteen party on Friday. Leaving for Vermont on Saturday. I need to get away. I CAN'T WAIT.

Make The Girl Dance

2009-12-04T20:27:00.003-07:00

Guess who is officially having the most amazing week? ME! Of course, it didn't start that way. But I don't want to talk about the bad. Enough is enough!!

The biggest most major happy impact on my week was on Wednesday. The school was holding try outs for the charity fashion show. I had set my mind on going, but I wasn't planning on going alone, which is in fact what happened. At first I freaked out and didn't want to go. Then I just sucked up all my guts and did it. And I sucked. Yeah. Horribly. Big self-esteem crusher. (I had spent the entire night before picking out an outfit and practicing my walk only to screw it up because of nerves. I believe my knees were shaking.) On top of that, I couldn't go get my permit on the way home, which I had been trying to do ALL WEEK. So, an all around terrible end of the school day.

I went home hoping and praying that I didn't really suck so bad. And then finally I just gave up. I made up my mind that it wasn't happening and tried to tell myself, "Eh, oh well. There are other opportunities." I was finally getting comfortable wallowing in all my self-pity when all of a sudden... my cheerer-upper of the week Katie Larson texts me. She tells me I'm one of the models in her set and need to meet after school the next day for the fitting. I think I stared at my phone for about five minutes before I realized what was happening. Then I jumped up and down and screamed and walked into the kitchen oh-so nonchalantly to tell my parents the news.

Mom says, "SHUT UP." She was proud and excited.... blah blah. I'M proud and excited! I mean hey, I don't suck! I had held in all my excitement around my parents, acting as if it wasn't a big deal and I know I would get it. Once I got up to my room, I turned on music and danced and sang and jumped up and down and giggled and just felt good for once.

A little under an hour after that I went to young women's. I talked the most I've probably ever talked to those girls. Good moods go a loooonnng way. Even though we didn't end up actually having an activity, I had so much fun. I decided that 12 year-olds are a lot more fun to be around than 15 year-olds. Hardly any drama. And the drama they do have is something among the lines of, "O-M-G. She is wearing the same shirt as me!" I'll admit right here and now that I enjoy the company of my sister and her friends more than my own sometimes. And plus, they love me. That's always good.

Speaking of which, I wanted to say how freaking much I LOVE Caitlyn Bone. She's our bishop's daughter, my little sister's age, and I just love her to death. She puts up with my silliness and immaturity. All my blonde moments. And she told me she looks up to me, which made me want to cry! I feel so loved. She's such a sweetheart. I'm glad my sister has a friend like her in her life. They're good for each other. Maybe they'll help each other not grow up..? Whenever I think of my little sister growing up, I get that motherly feeling that all moms get watching their kids growing up. It makes me want to stay little and sweet so my mom has one less thing to worry about.

Anyway... On Thursday I went to school in a down right incredible mood. I had a stomach ache, and I ignored it pretty much the whole day. I talked to about half the school, or that's what it seems like. I can be very shy and I usually wait for others to talk to me, unless I have something I really need to say. But hey, confidence is key. You can do anything when you're confident. I feel on top of the world. Making the fashion show just made me feel like now I can do anything. I bet I could have before, but I never felt like it. And to think I almost chickened out!

After school I went to my fitting, with my mom. I think this was probably one of those, 'please don't grow up' moments for her. For that I'm sorry. But I'm just gonna grow up a little, tiny bit, okay mom? I promise. Only an ounce of grown up. That's it.

Now officially, only three people in the entire world know about this goal. But one of them probably forgot, and one probably doesn't think I can or want me to do it. The third knows how badly I want it. That would be my sister. And the goal is modeling. She understands that I want it. She knows I love it. She believes I can do it. And I'm finally getting there. You've got to know how much I love the idea of modeling. My room is plastered with pictures of models. I practice it all the time, whether its taking pictures or runway walking. Megan and I watch all the modeling shows together, criticizing the ones who suck and proving to each other, "we can pose better than her."

I don't know why I love modeling and fashion so much, I just, do. This is probably terribly wrong but any time a commercial comes on for a perfume or pff... Victoria's Secret, I'm hooked. I want to do that! (Maybe not the Victoria's Secret. But hey, perfume would be nice.) Favorite commercials: Parisienne by Yves Saint Laurent commercial. Has Kate Moss in it. And the perfume is ah-ha AMAZING! I tore a sample of it out of a magazine at the airport weeks ago. I refuse to use it. I don't want the smell to go away. Ha. Also the newest Victoria's Secret commercial. Addicting song. So fun to walk to. Don't judge me.

Aaahhh. Well, I just wanted to say that I'm happy and LOVING life. And even though tonight sucked, I've still got a great big smile slapped on my face. My life is going EXACTLY where I want it to. And for those of you who don't know, that is an amazing feeling.

Also, I wanted to do this my entire blog:
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

It's not you, it's me.

2009-11-27T14:54:00.004-07:00

Such a cliché for breaking up. Which is terrible considering it almost always means, "It's not me, it's you." So why can't people just say that? We all know that's what they really mean. Why can't people spare each other the lies and little head games and just be real? I've been thinking about that a lot lately. And no, no one broke up with me. I didn't break up with anyone either. I just have my little curious moments in the day, and things like this pop out at me.

So if you were, by chance, going to tell someone that THEY are the problem, how do you do it? You can't just tell them they suck, because as straightforward as that is, they wouldn't take it seriously. Another unfortunate thing. We all think it's funny to tell someone they suck. And no one takes it seriously anymore because it's heard so often. I suppose that's a good thing after all. If we did take it seriously, our little self esteems would just jump off the face of the earth. I don't know about you but I've got mine on a leash. It's not going anywhere, and I like it that way. So maybe that's why we're not real. We're sparing feelings. It makes us feel like we've done a tiny bit of good if we don't hurt someone. When in reality, we're just driving the other person nuts not telling them what's wrong with them.

A pirate walks into a bar. He tries to sit down on the bar stool but has some trouble because his ship's wheel is between his legs. The bartender says, "Sir you know that wheel is between your legs don't you?" "Arrgggh it's driving me nuts."

Just had to throw that in there.

I always have these "I'm sick of everyone's crap so I'm just not gonna take it anymore" moods. They don't come along often, but I get them. Usually after having a lot of stress. That's when I take it out on everyone and then get mad when they do it to me. I'm a born hypocrite. But you know, these moods could be a good thing if I would actually put the ideas I get into action. Like actually telling people off when they really deserve it. If someone really gets me mad, I can do that. But for instance, liars. Not people who lie, because everyone does or has at some point. But liars. Hatehatehate them. Why do they feel like they need to lie about every little thing in their lives? I have two "friends" who are constantly lying, about things that are so, so obvious. This is my problem: I would LOVE to tell them off. Let them know that I'm not an idiot, I know they're lying. But I can't. I think I just enjoy it too much. I love being able to come home from school every day and tell my mom about the stupid things I've been told. And yes, it makes me mad. But I always take everyone's crap for longer than I should. I can love people like that. I can forgive and be kind. Not sure if I should, but I can do that. I'm that person. I think I get it from my mom. One day I'll tell you all about the pure amazingness that my mom is. She'll stun you, I swear. But I'm thinking maybe teaching me to love everyone, regardless of who they are or what they've done, and what they are and who they've done... I'm thinking maybe I wish I hadn't learned that yet. Because like my mom, I still just can't say no when it comes to helping someone.

So, I'd like to know, how can I tell someone, It's really not me, it's you...? I hate hurting people's feelings. But don't some people need it? If someone is constantly telling you, my friend's dad fell off the roof, my friend is in the hospital, my friend just got broken up with, I just got broken up with too, my friend's mom got in a car accident... etc. etc. You've got to be an idiot to keep believing them right? I mean, I get told these things every other day at least. By ONE person. My dad says to tell them I can't be their friend because I don't want to be the next one to fall out of a window or get hit by a car. Maybe that's a good idea.

I guess for now, I'll just deal with those people. Laugh about their lies. I'm just gonna hope that maybe it will come back and bite them in the butt one day. Right when they think they've gotten away with it. Yeah. That's my plan.

Right now though, this very minute, I'm going to enjoy what's left of this Thanksgiving spirit.

Probably the best Thanksgiving card I've ever seen in my life. Not so true for me though. On Wednesday in Seminary we had to make a list the best we could, in ten minutes, of all the things we're thankful for. Mine was close to 200, and more than half was people. I always say this, but no one really understands: You probably mean more to me than you think you do. And you would really be surprised. I'm thankful for a lot of things. Breathing, being able to see, walk, talk and read. All those things. The one thing I can say I'm honestly NOT grateful for, is canned cranberry sauce. (WHO!?!?! thought that was a good idea??) But I do appreciate all that I have in my life. And most of all I'm grateful for the people in my life. And on top of that, my family. They're all crazy and they know it. But I love it. We never have a boring moment when we get together. If I ever don't have fun at a family get together, it's because of my bad mood, not the people. I can pretty much guarantee my parents have never heard me complain that, "It was so boring!" I love my family. I truly do. And in case I didn't tell them yesterday, (bad mood), I'm gonna steal a little something from Terra and say, MERRY THANKSGIVING.

Don't think, just do.

2009-11-22T17:13:00.002-07:00

I'm finally working on my CBYX application. That's Congress-Bundestag Youth Exchange. A full scholarship to spend a school year in Germany. My first choice was Switzerland, unfortunately the scholarship isn't for Switzerland. And Frau Christopher spent a whole lot of time talking about Germany. Her adventures. Other exchange students both in Germany and from. And she did a whole lot of convincing. I want to go.

Since the application is due about a month from now, I decided to just do it. I'm not 100% set on it. But I'm just gonna do it. If I don't, I'll always wonder. And that's worse than not getting in at all. I have six essays to do. I'll be working hard on that this next week. I have to limit them to 250 words, but where normally I would be thankful for that, now I just want to writewritewrite. Example: Essay #2. In the 21st century, the United States is home to many different types of family structures. Please describe your immediate family, noting its unique or traditional elements, and your relationship to each family member.

Are you kidding me? I could talk about my family for days. Limit to 250 words? Yeah. That's totally happening.

Essay #5 is about the problems and challenges I'll face being away from home. Family. That's all I can think about. I'm gonna miss them. But it will be worth it. I'm trying not to worry about it so much considering I haven't finished my application, which means this isn't exactly a reality yet. But I know I'll have to face it at some point.

All in all, I'm excited. I've been saying for years how badly I want an adventure. Of course I meant, I want out of this stupid house and this stupid neighborhood, but now I have the chance for a real adventure. GERMANY. Every time I hear it I just get this smile on my face and breathe a sigh of relief. It calms me for some reason. I know it will be hard and yet it's so relaxing.

Am I weird??

In my first two blogs I ended with a little something about Germany. I wasn't exactly talking about this. Anne. My very first friend in this neighborhood. She's there. And even though we're a year apart and we didn't spend a whole lot of time together the year before she left, I miss her terribly. I can honestly say she was my best friend. She means a lot to me. She taught me a lot. Made me break out of my shell. I remember a wednesday in January, about a week or two after I had moved in, she called me and asked me if I wanted to go to her house to play Mario. I didn't even know who she was. Never heard of her before. And yet I felt compelled to say yes.

When I moved in I was 12. I was shy. I was sad. I was scared. Moving was really hard for me. I didn't want to be around anyone. So saying yes was a big surprise, even for me. But then this girl Camille, who lived across the street in a blue house came over and we ran through the snow and empty lots of houses that weren't built yet, two streets over to Anne's house. A kid named Zach was there too. I didn't know any of them but I felt at ease and talked my little head off.

That's what Anne does to me. She makes me feel like I can do things. All she does is say, "That would be so fun!" or just smile, and I'm convinced. She broke me out of my shell. I miss having her around.

That's what all that about Germany talk was all about.

About A Boy

2009-11-18T15:08:00.004-07:00

So originally, I was planning on making this second post a sequel to my first, since I ended it a little abruptly. After all, it was late and my dad was nagging me to make sure I did the dishes before I went to bed. But after the day I've had, it seems only right to let you all know what went on and why on earth I am in such a terrible mood.

I am the kind of person that really likes being right. And without sounding too arrogant, I'll just tell you that I often am. (I like to learn, I use that knowledge on a daily basis. Don't harass me.) However, when and if I am wrong, I will admit it. There's no point in arguing about something if you can't win the fight, am I correct? Well today in my eighth period Human Biology class, I had a little dispute with a friend of mine. And it wasn't at all friendly. At the start of class, I happened to be sitting down, and out of habit, cracking my knuckles. My friend, whom out of respect for him I will not say his name, said, "Lauren, don't do that you'll get arthritis."

I have been told this many times before. But I learned in grade two, TWO, that this statement is in fact, a myth, and you won't actually get arthritis from cracking your knuckles. You just won't. Simple as that. So, I turn to him and tell him that no, I won't.

The first time I really learned this was from my aunt who worked in massage therapy. It may not seem to connect, massage therapy and knowledge about cracking your knuckles and what it will NOT do to you, but she had to learn it and she taught me what she knew. I had just about this same experience with my best friend in second grade telling me I would get arthritis. Out of curiosity, and the willingness to keep my body healthy, I asked my aunt if that was true and she explained to me in great detail why it wasn't. I then reported back to my friend that I wasn't going to get it, and that I would continue cracking them, which I have done right to this day.

Well, this boy can't take no for an answer apparently. He doesn't have the decency to accept that he's wrong when he is. So we started arguing.

"Are you freaking kidding me? How much you wanna bet you can get it?"
"I'll bet you anything, you CAN'T!"
"Lauren, are you serious?! Yes you can!"

Back and forth we go, pretty loudly, each of us thinking we're the one who is right.

So he dares me to ask the teacher. I promptly raise my hand, and Mr. Whitney stops talking just to answer me, which I appreciated greatly considering I was already getting upset.
"Can you get arthritis from cracking your knuckles?"
"Well, it seems like you could, however-"
"HA! SEE I FREAKING TOLD YOU! WHAT NOW?!"
And from there, it really got heated.

The thing that got me, was that 'this boy' wasn't letting me or the teacher, or anyone else for that matter, finish what we were saying. He just kept on ranting about how he read in a magazine, (A MAGAZINE. What, do you believe everything you read in Cosmo too?) how you can get it. I just sat there, furious, wanting to shake him and tell him how horribly wrong he is!

We pretty much spent the first twenty minutes or so turned facing each other, practically just screaming in each other's faces. Eventually he swore at me, which struck the biggest nerve I have in my body. And that was it. I was done. I didn't talk to him the rest of the class except to tell him that what pissed me off is how he continuously interrupted me and never let me explain why I believe what I do. And somehow, him telling me he loves me didn't make me forgive him right then and there.

The fact of the matter is, there are no recorded or proven facts that cracking your knuckles causes arthritis. Nowhere. Not one. People have thought, hey what if it does? But it hasn't been proven anywhere, by anyone, at any time. The only thing that they've proved to have been caused from cracking your knuckles is the tendon being moved away from the bone. That doesn't sound like arthritis to me! So stick that in your juice box and suck it.

Now I'll apologize, I'm really not like this all the time. I don't get mad easily, especially like this, but I get bothered by people who refuse to admit they don't know what they're talking about. And even more so by people who don't listen, and interrupt. And liars too, but that's a whole other story.

I will give credit to my friend Seth, who texted ChaCha for the "true" answer. As I suspected, NO PROVEN FACTS, although it could do damage to your hands later on. If you recall, I didn't deny that you can't harm yourself. All I said is that you're not gonna get arthritis. Unfortunately, ChaCha isn't reliable enough to use in an argument, so I ignored that boy for the rest of the class and tried to just let it go.

But, another unfortunately, once I'm mad, I stay mad. So I got out of class, stopped at my locker, talked to my boyfriend, and got on the bus all in a huff. My friends screaming "PDA!" out the window while I was talking to Craig wasn't exactly helpful to my mood. I told them I was in a bad mood and just didn't want to hear it today, but of course, boys will be boys, and boys will annoy girls when girls are mad at boys. I told them why I was so upset, (You can't get arthritis from cracking your knuckles!) and to my surprise, Ky yelled "Thank you!" As in, "Finally someone who's smart enough to realize the truth!" And then, from the back of the bus, David says, "Yes you can!" I told him not to start with me and turned around, but Chris was really egging me on. Chris and I are like brother and sister, so it probably comes natural to him to tease me but today was just, NOT the day. I ended up hitting him. A few times. And then hit another kid who has pissed me off day after day, on purpose, and chose to make me even more mad. (Ethan did get a smile out of me by making a few really funny, obscene gestures behind his back though...)

I probably have some serious anger issues I need to get worked out. But on the other hand, I have every right to be mad. I have every right to express my opinion. I have every right to be left alone when I'm having a bad day. Why can't people respect that? Just once, for me. I beg of you. I might even consider not cracking my knuckles anymore. Would you like that?

It's days like this that I especially wish that Germany was a whole lot closer.

P.S. I get my paperwork for foreign exchange on Friday!!! There's light at the end of the tunnel.

My First Blog

2009-11-17T22:38:00.000-07:00

Okay, so that's not entirely true. I have blogged before. But this is the first time I'll have actually taken it seriously. At least, getting into this, that is my hope.

I decided to finally just take the plunge and make a blog because well, I have a lot to say. And I don't have a lot of people to say it to. Writing in my journal every night just won't ever give me the satisfaction. Because in the end, I'm the only one who knows about it, and I'm the only one who'll read it before I die.

The first thing I want to say is just a little disclaimer. I am HUMAN. I have good days, I have bad days. Actually, I think I have good and bad seasons... Regardless, sometimes I can be a little moody and out there. And sometimes I'm Plain Jane. Expect the unexpected. Or don't expect what you should be expecting. Either way.

Since I don't want to scare you all away, I won't be ranting and raving about the horrible time I've been having lately, right off the bat. But I am going to say what's on my mind, and first thing's first,

Germany is too far away from the states.