My big brother.

My cousin Jake passed away in November in 2009. I still remember every thought and feeling I had when I found out he was in hospital, and everything I went through with my family, flying out to Florida to see him and be with the family. Jake is my uncle's son, on my dad's side. My uncle hasn't been married to Jake's mom for a long time, and Jake almost always lived with her, so growing up I didn't see him all the time, mostly at holidays. But when I was about 4, Jake came out to Utah and lived with us. He was my best friend. I have so many memories of us together. I was completely heartbroken when he passed away, and it took me a long time to come to terms with it. Today I was thinking about him, and found this letter I wrote in his memory journal. I thought I would share it today, as I am particularly missing the person I considered my big brother. 

"Jake, I was only little when you lived with us but I have so many memories of you. More and more come to me each day. I remember how every morning at breakfast when I told you to say your prayers you told me we had to say our own in our heads. I never believed that worked but you still made me do it. And how you taught me what sarcasm was. (Which at the time made me mad, but now I'm thankful.) And how mom and dad always made you wash your feet in the bathtub because they were black from you running around without shoes on all the time. I remember when you used to take me with you to John Paul's house so that I could still be with you even when you were with your friends. Whenever you made me chocolate milk you put way too much chocolate in. I can remember your eleventh birthday party. And that time you let my cat out of the house. And when you told your teacher off in school because she said white chocolate was real chocolate because it has cocoa butter in it. So you told her that her cocoa butter lotion must be chocolate. I have so many good memories of you. You were a wonderful person. I will always consider you my older brother. I only wish that I could have told you how much you mean to me. I am happy that you are at peace now, and that you are happy up in heaven. I know you're watching over the family and keeping us safe. I love you Jake. And I'll see you again soon bud."

I love and miss my big brother every day, and even though I am still sad that he is no longer here, I know he had a good heart and his soul is somewhere better, where he is happy and feels no pain. I don't know what comes after this life, but if I ever got to see my brother again, nothing would make me happier. 

I miss you bud. Thank you for all that you taught me and for being a big brother to me. I love you.  

Potty training, time-out, and the beginning of the "terrible two's."

The last month or so has been a difficult time. There's a lot going on in just about every aspect of my life. Naturally bad things all happen at the same time, and things would just so happen to start going bad as Averie enters her "terrible two's." 

Averie will be 2 on July 1st, so in mommy speak, she's 20 1/2 months old. (For the record, when people ask how old she is, I talk like a real person and tell them, "almost 2.") This will be my first time experiencing the terrible two's as a mother, although I've seen it many times as a babysitter. I'm hoping with all my might that Averie behaves nothing like those devil children.

18+ months is a difficult time for kids, but it's also a fun one. The last few weeks have definitely been hectic, but I'm learning a lot and so is Averie! Last week she started wearing big girl panties and using the toilet. She still wears diapers at night and for naps, and believe me there are still plenty of messy accidents on grandma's carpet, but I could not be happier that in just a short time I can say goodbye to diapers forever. 

Averie also had her first real time-out today. It may have had something to do with pooping her pants and not being very nice to mommy. After she got cleaned up, she sat in a hot pink lawn chair in her bedroom for one minute. (Some time out, huh?) When it was over, she gave me a hug and told me she wanted to "watch a show." I tucked her into my rocking chair with her favorite blankie, and let her watch tv while I started knitting a hat. After about five minutes, she turned around and started calling out to me. 

"Mom."

"What, baby?"

"Mom!"

"Yes, Averie?"

"I miss you."

Even if she were to wear diapers for the rest of her life, I just couldn't be mad at that little girl. She melts my heart. 

Spinning

I am not one of those girls that likes to be picked up. I will push you away and yell and kick like a small child until you put me down. Yeah, I'm dramatic and I over exaggerate. It's not THAT bad, but I still don't like it.

But there are times. 

Like when I see you for the first time for the day, and you're smiling so big, and I walk up to you to hug you and you lift me up and spin me around the room until we're both dizzy, and then you kiss me until I start to laugh too hard to kiss you anymore. And you look right into my eyes, into my soul. And you kiss me. 

I love that.