Vermont.

"I should write." I've been thinking, as I continue to ignore my blog. Well, today is the day. 

Right now I am sitting on the couch in my grandma's living room-2,000 miles away from home. My grandpa is next to me, sipping his coffee. Megan and Ethan are lounging on the other couch, on their laptop and iPod. My mom is 10 feet away, making chocolate truffles in the kitchen for the party tonight.  Averie is downstairs for her afternoon nap. My dad and grandma aren't within earshot, but I assume my grandma is on the phone and my dad is doing something on his iPad. 

When you look at my family on paper (or your phone or computer screen...) we may seem disconnected, but I love this. The down time, when we're all cozied up in blankets and hoodies, sipping coffee, watching a movie, just relaxing. 

I am not supposed to be here, technically. Right now I should be in the middle of an 11 1/2 hour shift at Jamba. If I were, I'd be sitting in the lobby with Roman, drinking our coffee with the creamer he hid so no one else would drink it, and we'd be staring out the window at the snow and talking about something meaningful.

Both scenarios are beautiful. A cozy day at 'home' with my family, or a cozy day at work with a good friend. I have a truly beautiful life. I have an amazing family, and incredible friends and people surrounding me in my life. I am just so grateful to be here with my family right now. 

This trip was totally last minute. It was expensive, and it was absolutely exhausting to get here, but that's all worth it. All I wanted for Christmas was to be with my family, and I got it. Although things are chaotic at work right now and things are going to be a little messy when I come home, I'm enjoying this time I have right now. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. 

I've been enjoying waking up to my mom making breakfast, drinking coffee with my grandparents, and taking Averie out in the snow for the first time. Driving through the narrow, un-plowed streets, through the frozen trees and 5 foot long icicles to go to town. Passing the shops on the end of the street with the cute apartments above them. I've loved seeing my family and I LOVED Christmas, but that's a story for another day. 

I feel so lucky to have been able to spend this time with my family. I shouldn't be here, and I'm not taking it for granted at all. I'm loving every moment, and soaking up all the memories. I probably won't be seeing my family for another year, and so many things can change in that time. One day I hope to live here, but until then, I look forward to every minute I get to spend in this beautiful state. 

It's my Birthday (Eve), and I'll cry if I want to.

It's my birthday-eve. I spent 11 hours at work, came home to a cold dinner, and poured myself a glass of Pinot Grigio. I'm spending Averie's last minutes before she falls asleep cuddling in my new bed and watching Miss Congeniality. And I've just found out that there's nothing special planned for tomorrow. Not even a card. 

Birthday? No. It's just another day. 

Today my mom bought me a bed frame for my bed as a birthday-Christmas gift. I'm so happy with it. I can raise it to attach 4 drawers underneath if I want to, (which I will as soon as I have $200 to spend) but mostly I'm just happy to not be sleeping on a mattress on the floor. It's the perfect gift. This is what moms are for. Not presents, but remembering birthdays and loving her kids no matter what. I love my mom. Even if I didn't get a birthday present, I would still love her. She does everything she can to make sure I'm happy. I wish everyone was like my mom. 

As far as my birthday DAY goes, I'll be waking up at 5:00 in the morning to go to work, and working 8 hours. A manager from Sandy is coming in to close for me, but since my sister has work, my mom has finals, and George isn't taking me out, I'll probably end up tacking on another 8 hour shift. (Unless I decide to take myself out...) Nobody wants to stay home alone on their birthday. Then again, Jamba is so slow this time of year I'll basically be alone there too. 

Well I'm off to finish my wine, and maybe make a big batch of brownies that I'll eat all by myself. Yes, I'm seriously having a pity party.

I dread my birthday every year.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Now that the initial annoyance of not being able to spend Christmas with my family has worn off, I'm getting excited for this holiday season. I know the perfect gift to get for every person on my list, and for once I can afford them all. I decorated the store tonight with tinsel and sparkly Christmas trees. I wrapped presents to put on display, and pinned garland to everything garland can be pinned to. I strung up gift cards to hang from the ceiling, and after 6 hours of decorating, I decided to finally call it a day. I came home to a halfway decorated house, and that was good enough for me. As I ate the home made tamales Mauricio and Letty (my boss and his wife) made for me, I looked around the house and felt at peace. I love this time of year. The decorations, the music, and the overall nature of giving. Even though the next few weeks I will be spending 60-70 or more hours of my time at work, and soon after my family will be leaving, I'm enjoying the moments I get right now. Saturday we are taking Averie to see Santa. Well, this will be round 2. She was a little too frightened to go up to him tonight when my parents took her. Hopefully Saturday goes well, and I will have another Christmas moment to think about while I'm at work these next few weeks. This Christmas won't be perfect, but it's all I need it to be. 

I won't be home for Christmas.

My family doesn't all live in one place. My mom's side all lives here in Utah, but my dad's side lives in Vermont (other than a few cousins who live in California). We have a tradition in our family of 5 to fly to Vermont every year for Christmas to see my dad's mom, brother and sister, and their families. We used to only go every other year, but it was decided that we like my dad's family better, and once every 2 years isn't nearly enough. I completely adore my family in Vermont. They aren't LDS like my mom's side, which makes them not judgemental like my mom's side. All of the grandkids on my dad's side are my age or older except for one, which is a big difference in comparison to my mom's side where I am the oldest. I get along with my dad's side better, and I have more fun. I can be myself around them. I love when the holiday season comes around because it means family. Just not this year. 

2 or so months ago, one of the other managers 'voluntarily abandoned his job' meaning, he didn't show up and got fired. This past Friday, another one put his 2 weeks in. (Perfect timing! Just before Christmas...) This leaves me, and my general manager. It means I'll be working my 40 hours a week plus another 20 or so just to cover everything. My GM will cover extra shifts as well. Overtime before the holidays is cool and everything, but that's a LOT of work. This really wasn't a bad thing to me at first. I could use the extra money, and I wasn't fond of the manager that quit anyway. The part that sucks is that I'm stuck here for Christmas. 

Even if the other manager wasn't quitting, the chances I would be able to go to Vermont were slim. We are supposed to have 3 shift managers in addition to our GM, and if we had had another manager, I could go. Unfortunately we don't, and there is just no way I will make my GM work open to close every day for a week after Christmas. 

There are a lot of other things going on this year that make it hard for me to see my family. Work is one, but I also promised to be in Utah for Christmas day this year. I promised George that he could have Christmas with Averie this year since she was with me last year. If we were to go to Vermont, we would leave on the 27th of December, but I would only be there a few days because I need to be back in Utah for New Years. That means a day in the airport and on the plane getting out there, 2, or 3 days in Vermont if I'm lucky, and then another day in the airport and on a plane back to Utah. I don't mind flying but that sure is a lot of it in such a short time.

Also, taking an 18 month-old toddler on an overnight flight to New York with either a layover in JFK Airport before another flight to Burlington, Vermont OR a flight to Manchester, New York and a 2 hour drive to Vermont just doesn't sound awesome. Last year she slept through it, but she was only 5 months old, and I was breastfeeding which makes the take-off and landing easier for babies. (Air pressure, ears popping... Nursing keeps the baby comfortable and since they're swallowing, their ears pop. Voila. No crying babies.) This year as she's headed into her "terrible 2's" I was a little concerned about taking her on a plane where she would be sitting on my lap for 4+ hours. 

With the realization that for the first time in 20 years, I won't be with my family for Christmas, I've been in tears. Even though I haven't seen my dad's side every year, I've seen my parents, brother and sister. This year they will continue on with tradition and go to Vermont. Even though I will be at my house with my daughter, it just won't be the same without my dad's crazy, trying-to-be-funny Christmas puns, my mom making Christmas breakfast, my too-loud family joking and laughing with each other, everyone trying to give the present that will make grandma cry, and of course, fighting over who got the most presents. I love my family to pieces, and I wish so badly I could be with them for Christmas. I want to be "home" for Christmas. That would be the best gift I could ever ask for. 

Because I REALLY need to talk...

Two posts in one day, because I really need to talk.

I'm at a crossroads in my life. Well, I'm at "the spaghetti bowl" in my life. There are so many roads to take above me, below me, behind me, right next to me… I don't know which one to take. What seems right right now might not be right in the long run. Who knows what's right in the long run? What's easy now could end up not working out, and what if the hard thing seems like the right thing, but it isn't? Then I've put in work for nothing. Basically, I'm confused! I'll let you in on what's been going on. This is going to be a rough start, but I have a point, I swear.

When I was 16 I decided I wanted a job. My birthday was a few weeks before Christmas, so during school break I started looking around. I didn't want to work in fast food, so I applied at Target, American Eagle, and other similar places near my house. No one called me. So I applied to more places, and more places. No one called me. So I started giving in and applying at restaurants. No one called me. I gave in completely and applied at McDonalds. They didn't call me. I was ready to apply to be a janitor when my friend Spencer told me he could try to get me a job at his work. A few days later,  his manager called me to set up an interview. I went to the interview after school and filled out my application while a small, sweet, Mexican lady asked me questions. All of a sudden, I was hired! She told me I needed to buy a white polo shirt for my uniform, and I started on Wednesday. I was officially a Team Member at Jamba Juice.

When I first started, I though I would just work at Jamba for 6 months… MAYBE a year, and then I would find another job since I would have experience. Well, 6 months went by… a year went by… and I wasn't leaving. I had so much fun at work. It was an easy job, I loved my coworkers, and even though I was making minimum wage, that meant a couple hundred dollars to blow on clothes and shoes every 2 weeks. When I had been at Jamba for about a year, George got hired. A few months later, we started dating, and there was no way I was leaving! During my second summer at Jamba, I was told I would be made a Shift Manager when I turned 18 that December. That meant $8 an hour, and a promotion would look great on my resume! But that Fall, I got pregnant, and the position went to someone else because they weren't sure if I would return from my maternity leave. I was upset. I was more than upset. I was freaking pissed. But in my head I knew the girl they picked was a loser and wouldn't last long. (Haha.) So I stuck it out. She lasted a month and a half. I laughed in my manager's face, and he told me he knew I was right, but he had to know if I would come back after having the baby. I took 3 months of maternity leave and came right back!

At first I was only working one or two days a week, because I was breastfeeding and it was hard to be away from my daughter (not to mention embarrassing to pump milk in the bathroom). After some time, I started working three days a week every once in a while, to three days a week all the time, and I finally started working four days a week, all day shifts. A few months after my 19th birthday, they made me a Shift Manager. I thought Jamba was a short-term thing. Now look at me!

I've worked at Jamba for 3 ½ years. I work 5 days a week, full time plus overtime on most weeks. I am my General Manager's assistant, which means I do inventory, I make the schedule, and I handle almost everything that my manager does in addition to my own duties. He is training me to become a General Manager, so he can move to a new store that is going to be opening in the Summer of 2014. As a GM, I'l be making around $40,000 a year. Salary at age 20 with no college. That's awesome. Especially considering I'm a teen mom. It will be sooooo nice to have a "real" job.

But here's the thing. The store isn't promised to me. I'm not under contract or anything. My job title is still 'Shift Manager'. By the time that new store opens up, there could be somebody else that our Franchise owners and District Manager like better. They could throw me under the bus, and I could be stuck making $8 an hour after 4 years with the company… And that scares me to death.

About a week ago, I was working on the register and the owners or managers (I'm not exactly sure) of the Cafe Zupas in The District came in. I didn't know who they were at first. I rang them up, and after they paid they mentioned how upbeat and friendly I was. They said they worked at Zupas and were looking for people like me to work at the new store. I told them I was flattered, but that I was on track to becoming the store manager at Jamba. They were impressed. "That's GREAT!" they said. "Well… what about management opportunities at Zupas…" They were trying to reel me in. I told them Jamba was my first job when I was 16, and I have been at Jamba for almost 4 years. "I'm not really looking for any other jobs, I'm pretty loyal to the company." I could see that I only impressed them more. They picked at me until I finally gave them my number. "We'll just talk." they said. "No promises, no obligations. Let's just sit down and talk." A few days later, someone called and left a message on my phone. It's been a week and I don't have the guts to call back. My dad went to their soft opening tonight and further discussed it with a manager there. He gave them my number and said I should be expecting another call.

I want to throw up. It's like being with a guy for almost 4 years, and he's going to propose to you in  a year, but then this super hot swimsuit model guy comes along and wants to marry you NOW, but you don't know anything about him. BUT HE'S RICH. AND HOT. AND HE WANTS YOU. So cool, what the F do you do?

In the back of my mind, I know I'll probably stay at Jamba. I'm used to it. I'm freaking amazing at my job. I would really love to stay with the company, because I do believe in it and I love it so much. But I've been thrown under the bus before, and I don't want it to happen again. I don't know if I could handle that again. I really need a good paying job so I can start college.

(Sigh)

This is the part where I need to stop typing on an empty blog and talk to a real live person who can give me some advice.

Just listen.

Although I am not writing directly to anyone in my blog, sometimes it helps me to write because I feel like someone is listening. I wish I really had someone who would listen to me. The closest people to me in my life, don't listen to me. At least, it comes off that way. 

My mom is one person. I can tell her almost anything. But she's busy in her life and is stressed and distracted a lot of the time. I don't blame her for spacing out when I tell her a story, or not responding to a question I asked because she's in the middle of an email. She has her own life. She works full time and goes to school full time. And to top it off she watches my daughter all day on the weekends while I work. She's busy, she's stressed, she's exhausted… I get it. 

My sister and I used to be best friends. I hardly know her anymore. Between me working full time and trying to have a normal family life, while she is in high school, in the color guard, and has a job, AND a new boyfriend… we don't see each other as much as we used to. We used to talk about EVERYTHING. I've told her things that I've never told another person. I've cried into her arms in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep. We'd finish each other's sentences like we could read each other's minds. We were inseparable. But things change. I don't even know what she likes to do. I don't know any of her hobbies. I really don't know her at all.

I really don't have any friends. Every now and then I'll message someone on Facebook and we talk about meeting up to hang out, or having a play date with our kids, but it never happens. Probably because everyone-including me-is busy.

There are times when I really need someone to listen to me. When I REALLY need someone to listen. And I feel like I have no one. I tell my daughter secrets sometimes, but I don't want to get into the habit of it. It won't be a good thing when she's old enough to know what I'm talking about. I consider therapy all the time, but I don't want to feel like a crazy person, and then I would have to find a babysitter for yet another day of the week. There's just not enough time in the world for anything.

Now would be a great time to believe in God, or something. I understand why people do, but I just don't. I talk out loud and hope for things to happen sometimes, but I'm not really praying… I just want the universe to stop taking a giant crap on my life. It's not that I'm this hugely negative person. I'm really not. I have good days and good weeks and times when I feel on top of the world. It doesn't last, and I want it to. That's my biggest problems. I love the way I feel when I achieve something, or when someone is proud of me, or when my life seems to be falling together. All I want is to achieve my goals and be proud of myself. And I really want someone to listen to me along the way.

Somewhere I Belong

When I got pregnant, after all the initial stress and worry I was happy because I was going to have a family. I was going to be a part of something. I was going to have somewhere I really belonged. But I find myself in a harsh reality, where family means nothing. Blood, sweat, and tears mean nothing. I have a daughter, and we belong together, but what else is there? Who are we supposed to be with? Where are we supposed to be? I have an overwhelming feeling that where I am is not where I'm supposed to be. I wish someone would tell me where to go and what to do. I wish I knew who I was. I wish I could just be happy with just my daughter and that would be enough. 

I grew up in a family with parents who never gave up on each other. They've been married for 21 1/2 years and are still going strong. No, they aren't perfect. They don't always agree on everything. But they work through it and never give up on each other, or their relationship. I grew up seeing that. I learned that you never give up on your partner and divorce is not an option. 

I've always wanted someone who would love me, and REALLY love me. That unconditional, forever kind of love. I wanted to grow up, get married, have a family and a house. I wanted a meaningful life-I still do. I thought it was starting for me 2 years ago when I got pregnant, but it hasn't turned out that way. I know plans change and things happen, but everyone should have a chance at being loved... Right?