Just listen.

Although I am not writing directly to anyone in my blog, sometimes it helps me to write because I feel like someone is listening. I wish I really had someone who would listen to me. The closest people to me in my life, don't listen to me. At least, it comes off that way. 

My mom is one person. I can tell her almost anything. But she's busy in her life and is stressed and distracted a lot of the time. I don't blame her for spacing out when I tell her a story, or not responding to a question I asked because she's in the middle of an email. She has her own life. She works full time and goes to school full time. And to top it off she watches my daughter all day on the weekends while I work. She's busy, she's stressed, she's exhausted… I get it. 

My sister and I used to be best friends. I hardly know her anymore. Between me working full time and trying to have a normal family life, while she is in high school, in the color guard, and has a job, AND a new boyfriend… we don't see each other as much as we used to. We used to talk about EVERYTHING. I've told her things that I've never told another person. I've cried into her arms in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep. We'd finish each other's sentences like we could read each other's minds. We were inseparable. But things change. I don't even know what she likes to do. I don't know any of her hobbies. I really don't know her at all.

I really don't have any friends. Every now and then I'll message someone on Facebook and we talk about meeting up to hang out, or having a play date with our kids, but it never happens. Probably because everyone-including me-is busy.

There are times when I really need someone to listen to me. When I REALLY need someone to listen. And I feel like I have no one. I tell my daughter secrets sometimes, but I don't want to get into the habit of it. It won't be a good thing when she's old enough to know what I'm talking about. I consider therapy all the time, but I don't want to feel like a crazy person, and then I would have to find a babysitter for yet another day of the week. There's just not enough time in the world for anything.

Now would be a great time to believe in God, or something. I understand why people do, but I just don't. I talk out loud and hope for things to happen sometimes, but I'm not really praying… I just want the universe to stop taking a giant crap on my life. It's not that I'm this hugely negative person. I'm really not. I have good days and good weeks and times when I feel on top of the world. It doesn't last, and I want it to. That's my biggest problems. I love the way I feel when I achieve something, or when someone is proud of me, or when my life seems to be falling together. All I want is to achieve my goals and be proud of myself. And I really want someone to listen to me along the way.