Over the last few weeks, I've been experiencing something that I never could have imagined: the absence of my child. Although it is nothing like losing a child and I would never compare it to that, for me, it feels that way. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and although I know one day it will be worth it, I'm struggling right now.
Due to some big family plans and tricky circumstances, I'll have to move out of my parents' house a lot sooner than we all thought. Originally I would've moved out as soon as I could afford it. Now, I have to find somewhere to live whether I can technically afford to live on my own or not. In order to be able to support myself and my daughter on my own, I've had to get a second job. Now, I work 40+ hours at Jamba, and an additional 30+ at Olive Garden. That's 70-80 hours a week that I'm now spending at work. The time I have with my daughter is almost nothing. I'm LUCKY if I get to see her twice a week, or if I see her for more than a couple of hours.
During the last 2 weeks I have seen my daughter twice. Once, I had a few hours with her during the day before I went to work, and once was after I got home from work and I happened to be lucky enough to read her a bedtime story and put her to bed. There are 168 hours in a week, and I've been able to see my daughter for about 6 of them. 6 hours. 6 hours is the amount of time I get to spend with my daughter. And it's killing me.
I know that things could be worse, and that at least the reason I'm away from her is because I'm working to support both of us. I'm not a deadbeat mom. I don't choose to party instead of spending time with her, or anything like that. And one day, I know it will all be worth it. I'm slowly making more and more money and for the first time since I had her I've been able to actually save it. I'm closer and closer to being promoted to a salaried position. This week I recieved a promotion that's just one step below the position I want. So one day I'll look back and I'll know this was the right choice and all the hard work will be worth it. But it is SO incredibly hard to be away from her.
One promise I made to myself and to Averie before I even gave birth to her was that I would do everything I could to support her and be there for her and give her everything I am able to. I promised I wouldn't be one of those parents that's never around. I promised to give her a life she deserves. My biggest fear is that I'm not doing enough. I'm so scared that she knows that I'm not spending as much time with her as I used to be able to. I'm afraid that it's impacting her life. I don't want her to look back at her childhood and have little to no memories of me. I'm trying as hard as I can to get to a stable place in life so that we can be together and be happy and healthy. I'm working my ass off to be able to pay for the things we need and to save up for a car and an apartment. I know in my heart that I'm doing the best I can, I really am. But I miss my little girl. My heart absolutely aches for her.
Every time I walk into a room and she isn't there, my heart breaks just a little bit more.
