'Tis better to have loved and lost...'

I fell in love. 

They call it "falling" for a reason. You don't do it on purpose. You don't choose. You don't jump. You fall. You're moving along in life, whether you're enjoying it or not, and then one day you wake up and you find yourself thinking, "What the fuck? How did this happen? When did this happen? Just... What...?" But it's the happiest confusion you've ever been in. You have no idea how or when or why or what even is going on, but at the same time, it doesn't matter, and you don't care. 

Being in love though, it fucks you up. You don't come back from that. It changes your whole world. If you are one of the lucky ones, the ones who end up with the person they truly love... You are DAMN lucky. It doesn't happen for a lot of us. It leaves us... fucked up. That's really the only explanation there is. And you don't come back from it. You're never the same.

For me, it was the thought that I would always be alone. I was never really bitter. I watched good friends and family get engaged and then married and have families and I was never jealous of them regardless of how much I wished I had what they have. I just never thought it would happen for me, so I was simply happy for the people around me who it did happen for. And then it just changed. 

All the good love stories happen the same way, right? They beat the odds, they overcome something incredible. For me it was simply being capable of loving another human being as much as I did. Never in my dreams could I imagine that feeling. Loving someone so completely that you understand every part of them. Having so much in common that a single glance tells you everything you need to know about how the other person is feeling. Being fully, 100%, head over heels, IN LOVE with someone. 

I tried, hard, to get over it. I was in denial for a very long time. I ignored it. I pushed it away. I acted like it wasn't happening. And then I was mad. I was angry. And I pretended like I couldn't care less. And then one night it hit me. It hit me that I missed this person who was never coming back. The one person I thought I would spend my life with. And I would never know anything about him again. Just... gone. Just like that. 

'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.'

...I sincerely disagree. 

Baby, you make me feel alive.

It's been a while since I've really written anything. Usually even if I'm not posting in the blog I at least write in a notebook or something. I used to write in the notes on my phone daily. But I haven't been doing that. And suddenly in the last few days, that's all I've wanted to do. I feel this surge of passion and liveliness that I haven't felt in a long time, and it hit me so suddenly that I'm actually exhausted from it. I'm so happy that it's making me tired. How ridiculous is that? 

My life is good. I've been working on myself and my surroundings and the things I do and people I see. And I've been weeding out the things that upset me. I've been adding in more things that make me happy. I've been carefree. I've been acting on a whim, but in a confident way, not reckless. Instead of worrying about things I just trust my instincts and do what I want. No drama. No stress. And nobody's opinion matters except mine. I talk to whoever I want to talk to. I see whoever I want to see. I do whatever I want, whenever I want. But now, it's like all of that coordinates with one other person. Somebody is making me really happy. I mean. REALLY happy. In a way I haven't been in such a long time. In a way I've never been while dating. It's really too early to say anything but, I just had to express that. That there's someone out there bringing out the best in me. And I love it. I feel alive. 

The worst kind of heartache.

Over the last few weeks, I've been experiencing something that I never could have imagined: the absence of my child. Although it is nothing like losing a child and I would never compare it to that, for me, it feels that way. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and although I know one day it will be worth it, I'm struggling right now.

Due to some big family plans and tricky circumstances, I'll have to move out of my parents' house a lot sooner than we all thought. Originally I would've moved out as soon as I could afford it. Now, I have to find somewhere to live whether I can technically afford to live on my own or not. In order to be able to support myself and my daughter on my own, I've had to get a second job. Now, I work 40+ hours at Jamba, and an additional 30+ at Olive Garden. That's 70-80 hours a week that I'm now spending at work. The time I have with my daughter is almost nothing. I'm LUCKY if I get to see her twice a week, or if I see her for more than a couple of hours. 

During the last 2 weeks I have seen my daughter twice. Once, I had a few hours with her during the day before I went to work, and once was after I got home from work and I happened to be lucky enough to read her a bedtime story and put her to bed. There are 168 hours in a week, and I've been able to see my daughter for about 6 of them. 6 hours. 6 hours is the amount of time I get to spend with my daughter. And it's killing me. 

I know that things could be worse, and that at least the reason I'm away from her is because I'm working to support both of us. I'm not a deadbeat mom. I don't choose to party instead of spending time with her, or anything like that. And one day, I know it will all be worth it. I'm slowly making more and more money and for the first time since I had her I've been able to actually save it. I'm closer and closer to being promoted to a salaried position. This week I recieved a promotion that's just one step below the position I want. So one day I'll look back and I'll know this was the right choice and all the hard work will be worth it. But it is SO incredibly hard to be away from her. 

One promise I made to myself and to Averie before I even gave birth to her was that I would do everything I could to support her and be there for her and give her everything I am able to. I promised I wouldn't be one of those parents that's never around. I promised to give her a life she deserves. My biggest fear is that I'm not doing enough. I'm so scared that she knows that I'm not spending as much time with her as I used to be able to. I'm afraid that it's impacting her life. I don't want her to look back at her childhood and have little to no memories of me. I'm trying as hard as I can to get to a stable place in life so that we can be together and be happy and healthy. I'm working my ass off to be able to pay for the things we need and to save up for a car and an apartment. I know in my heart that I'm doing the best I can, I really am. But I miss my little girl. My heart absolutely aches for her. 

Every time I walk into a room and she isn't there, my heart breaks just a little bit more. 

I thought I'd give poetry another shot.

I used to be good at this. 

Ink on paper,

feelings melt with words. 

Somehow I can't seem to make that connection

anymore. 

I once was an optimist. 

Wind in my hair,

the world at my fingertips. 

One day I just couldn't find my heart

anymore. 

I haven't always been so careless. 

Hopeless romanticism

to empty gazes and hollow hearts. 

I don't know much about anything

anymore. 

I used to be good at this. 

Selfless love

met heartache and stinging veins. 

And now? I don't feel anything for you

anymore. 

Adventures In Potty Training

Today is the day. I think I can safely say my daughter is potty trained. Of course accidents will happen, and not every day will be perfect. But today I think everything clicked. 

It hasn't been easy. Potty training is hard to do at all, let alone as a single mom with your child all over the place. I'm never sure if the person watching her is helping her use the toilet or not. So as frustrating as it has been for me, I can only imagine what it's been like for her when mommy wants her to use the toilet and somebody else doesn't even bother with it and would rather change her diapers, and somebody else tries sometimes but not always... It's been a mess. BUT. Finally we are here at this proud moment where I'm hoping I can say diapers are done with. 

There's been a few forehead smacking moments along the way for me... (My forehead, of course. Not hers. Haha.)

Like last week. 

I've been basically immobile during the last week and a half due to a torn meniscus and a back injury. I got most of the weekend off work and Averie spent a few days with her dad, but otherwise I have still been taking care of her. Friday (right after I hurt my back) was the worst. 

Averie was at school from 9-3 so I had most of the day to sleep. I sent her to school that morning with a note telling her teachers that she's potty training, and I asked for them to encourage her to use the toilet. When she came home, I could tell they had been! 

She was playing in the living room while I stayed stuck in bed, and suddenly told me she needed to go potty. Oh, the excitement! I helped her take off her leggings and told her to go to the bathroom. She came running back saying she needed the light on, and I told her that mommy has an owie and she could do it by herself. So she ran back. I hear her pushing a chair along the bathroom floor, the click of the lightswitch... and tinkling into the potty! I was so relieved. I have been waiting for this moment for so long. 

So she comes back to my room and tells me she went potty and she needs a new diaper. Generally after she goes potty I let her wear panties instead, but she kept saying she wanted a diaper. I was a little disappointed because diapers are hard to put on when I can't bend my back, but I told her to lay down on my bed while I tried to sit up. 

Then. I see it. Poop. Everywhere. All over her butt and legs. And now smeared across my clean white sheets. 

I'm still surprised at the patience I had as I got up to put her in the bath, called her dad to ask for his help, got her dressed and ready to leave, and then managed to change the sheets. 

Potty training tests patience, for sure. But in a way I think me staying calm that day instilled the confidence in her to continue going by herself, even though she made a mess. Because today, that's what she did. 

I was resting on the couch as she watched Finding Nemo. I've seen it at least 200 times by now, so I fell asleep. I wake up after a few minutes, and I hear her ruffling around in the bathroom. I'm starting to get up to see what she's doing, when I hear her use the toilet. She didn't even come get me for help this time. At all. She pulled up her chair, turned on the light and went potty all by herself. Then she comes in and says "I went pee, give me bones!" So she got a million high fives and fist bumps and then put on a cute pair of panties. 

I am so relieved. Seriously. Not only because changing diapers sucks while my back and knee are messed up, but because it's so much easier to have her using the toilet like a big kid. And diapers stink. And they cost a lot. And I'm beyond done with them. This is the best milestone yet. I'm so proud of my little girl and so happy that she's growing and progressing more each day. She's the sweetest, smartest, cutest little thing. I'm always proud to be her mommy, but today is one of the proudest days yet. 

A little rant.

You know, nothing gives me more motivation than those people who think I'm just a typical teen mom who got pregnant in high school, broke up with the baby daddy, blah blah blah. The only words I have for those people are, "Watch me."

I may not have gone a single day in college. Yes, I'm a single mother. Yes, I work at Jamba Juice and make barely over minimum wage. I may still live at home. I may not own my own car. But watch me. 

In a few months, I'll be the GM of my current store or the brand new store set to open up this year. I'll be making salary, and about the same amount of money as my mother, who has a college degree and has worked for her company for more than ten years. I've worked hard to build good credit, which means I'll qualify for a car and an apartment. And who will be laughing then?

I may not have a typical family. I may not be able to give my daughter everything she wants. But I give her everything she needs, and the best of it. She is in a top rated preschool, for which I pay for entirely. I don't rely on anyone else for money or things I need to take care of her. I support my daughter and myself to the best of my ability, and work hard every single day to make sure I can keep improving our quality of living. Not only do I work hard, but I spend time with my daughter. I sing to her. I read to her. We go to the park. I teach her about good manners. She eats well, most of her meals being organic. I teach her the best things I know to teach her. And I love her. Unconditionally. 

So to anyone who has ever thought I'm that typical deadbeat teen parent, WATCH ME. 

My future husband...

I'll know I've found him when I find a man who makes it fun to do the dishes.