Hollow Places

I have a lot of good things going on in my life right now. Despite any of the bad that comes, I've been focusing on the good and keeping a level head. I feel like I'm in a good place in my mind and soul, and I am being good to my body. I'm happy. Not euphoric or anything like that, but I am content. Good things are happening for me, I have good people around me, and I feel like I've become a better person than I used to be.

The only thing that still bothers me is that little hollow place inside. You know the one I'm talking about? There are places in your heart that can only be filled by certain things. 

Sometimes when a person feels hollow it's because they don't feel deep love for anyone. I love many people in my life, as friends, romantically, in many ways. I have no problem loving or expressing love. 

Sometimes a person aches for family, for children. I have a beautiful, amazing daughter. Even though I may one day decide I would like to have more kids, I don't feel like I'm missing any right now. 

Sometimes, a person feels hollow because they don't feel like they are good enough. I am finally at a place in my life where no matter what anyone says to me or about me, I know my own worth. I can look in the mirror without seeing my flaws. I am good enough. 

But sometimes, a person has a hollow spot where the love from another person should be, and this is the hollow spot that I worry about. 

There are two people in my life that I can honestly say I have deeply loved and cared for, in a romantic way. Unfortunately things didn't work out, and although I love them, they don't love me. I feel that this is a consistent problem in my life. I care too much for people who don't care for me. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'll be alone forever. If I'll never even have the option to get married or have more kids if I want to. If I'll wake up every day for the rest of my life to look at the empty right side of my bed. If I'll never be as happy as those couples that fall in love and start a beautiful life together. Right now I've been trying to be patient, because I'm only 20 and there really is no rush. But I often find myself wondering if I'll ever find "the one."

Maybe I'm picky. Maybe the reason I don't find real love is because I still believe in a love that may not exist anymore. A love like what my great grandparents had. Love at first sight. The head over heels, not going a single day without that person, kind of love. I still believe in that, and maybe that's the problem. Maybe that doesn't exist anymore.